The Flounder Here, Your One and Only Source into the Scandalous Lives of America’s Elite

“Ronald Dump says he will ban being a Democrat upon being elected” - DJ Vance probably

Widespread Panic As Cats and Dogs Discover the Truth: Opinions From Experts

cats-and-dogs

'Wheel of Careers' Mackenzie Game Show Launched to Help Undecided Gr.12s

Students create a new game show to help reluctant Gr. 12s choose a career path. Also local media gets involved.

Report Card Day

Teachers to Introduce Subway Surfer Gameplay on Display During Class to Help boost attention rates

Toronto schools use Subway Surfer gameplay for boosted attention. Split-screen learning shows unprecedented engagement; r/AITA rewriting plans most effective.

Nord VPN

Current Mural Plans Mysteriously Replaced By Massive Image of Flounder

School mural reference sheets replaced with poor flounder drawings; outrage ensues. Security camera footage dismissed as coincidence. Students submit better flounder images for mural.

Students Overjoyed at New Late Start Schedule

Mazkenzie changes late start to start 5 minute early; students love the new challenge.

Five Minute Alarms to be Added to Hall Passes

Mackenzie implements alarms into hall passes to catch students skipping class, causing uproar amongst the student body.

Grades 13 Returns to Compensate for Years of COVID-Generated Student Slacking

Grade 13 aims to deflate high school marks to provide an equitable high school experience.

AI Joke

One Billion Lions vs. The Flounder

The battle of the century

Mackenzie Through The Years

'We shall discusseth our plans for the grand weeketh of spirit' - Julius Caesar, former President of the Mackenzie Student Council

LET’S GO, LYONS! - And Flounders?

The Flounder Is Cut In Half Due to a Lack of Ideas

“*Vertically. You really cut the paper in half **vertically**. Who the*"

Bill C-11

Possibly not a good idea

World Cup

Therapy Flounder Brought in to Alleviate Stress

“Why care about school when you can touch the flounder?”

The Rat

Mackenzie Utilizes Revolutionary Technique to Conquer the Evils of the Season

“Modern problems require modern solutions”

The Flounder Announces New NFT Collection

10,000 unique “Phish and Chips” digital collectibles will be released at a starting price of $69,420.

MSC constructs nuclear bombs to ensure shorter winters

Is it just me or is it getting hot in here?

CAD/Bonus Mark Exchange Rate Skyrockets in Economic Recession

Everyone is ready to cash in on those “hard earned” bonus marks

Flounder writers to be replaced by Artificial-Intelligence

Student begins to float after forgetting to account for gravity on their physics test

$1,000,000 Bathroom Investment to Revolutionize the Number 2 Experience

Wiping my tears with cash is so 2022.

Winter Anatomy

The Worms

TDSB Ecstatic Over Record High Pass Rate on EQAO

TDSB Announces Selection for Sports Teams Will Now Be Done Via Lottery to Promote Equity

Quizzes and Tests to Be “Self-Graded” to Keep Marks Fully Private and Confidential

Teachers To Allow Only Online Messaging (No Talking) During Class To 'Keep the Noise Levels Down'

Teachers embrace technology in a desperate attempt to “shut those kids up

December 2022 Issue

Flounder issue of December 2022

Winning Class for the Food Drive Gets a Gourmet Buffet Lunch Reward

High School Students Discover Shocking Information About Flounder Fish

The Halloween Hustle: A Practical Guide to Candy Scalping

Featuring Business Prodigy Trist Coan

I Wanna Do That

Valentine Woes

Students Turn off Cameras to Stop the Spread of New Omicron Variant

Safety first, learning much further down the list.

Snow Day?

School Day Officially Changes to “Night Shift” to Better Match Students’ Sleep Schedules

“Our priority has always been to best accommodate our students.”

Student considering spending rest of life in a remote cottage in a Nordic country after being denied from the Toronto Public Library’s 'Leading to Reading' volunteer program

4 Main Stages of Inflation

Same Old

Don't Worry, He Doesn't Bite

Culminating Spree

Students and teachers are no longer allowed to have cameras on as concerns about equitable treatment of the visually impaired arise

Now coming at you in 0k

TDSB Wi-Fi

Student-run team takes over hiring process for staff

Averages skyrocket to 145%, leading the nation's education system.

Spot the Differences!

New Spider Terrorization Tactics are Effectively Increasing Productivity

How much is the increase in productivity? It’s over 9000%!

Short Stairs for Short People

The first step to a better Mackenzie.

Praying for Our School

Plain Misbehaviour or Something Deeper? Student Explains How Locked Washrooms Prove the Mackenzie Swimming Pool Exists

Facts don’t care about your feelings, and the fact is that the pool has always been there.

Nice Fermented Vegetables

Students With Faces in Hands as Midterm Marks Distributed

The darn kids are not taking COVID seriously

Class Competitions

Zroom Approves of Move to Remote Learning

"The Ministry of Education truly cares about its students."

Mackenzie Announces Formation of Third Newspaper Because "Two Is Not Enough"

THE BIG PICTURE

Teacher Denies Virtual Student Access to Washroom

Doug Ford Announces Privatization of Toronto District School Board

Experts are confused, economists are happy, and Doug REFUSES to hesitate...

Summer Break Priorities

New Student Council President Makes Mackenzie Great Again

"God I love democracy," said Barsh Bharma, after winning the student council president elections in a (literal) landslide.

Online Class Embarassment

Official Rules of Chess Modified to Include More Physical Violence after Protest at Mackenzie

Unemployment Projections Increase 2000% After Mackenzie Class Fails Colouring Assignment

"This will cause the greatest economic disaster humanity has ever seen."

A Typical Easter

New Report From Internal Watchdog Estimates Photo Day Delays to Last Until 2025

Ministries provide conflicting responses...

This Month in Pictures

TDSB Cancels Exams After Lack of Cheating at Mackenzie Deemed "Suspicious"

Mackenzie is calling on students to begin cheating again and put an end to their suspicious behaviour.

The Life Cycle of a Forgotten Easter Egg

TDSB Attracts International Attention For Mysterious COVID-19 Situation

"This simply is beyond modern medicine," says one Harvard doctor.

Mackenzie unveils new Cleaning technology

Mackenzie Virtual Lockdowns Improves Virtual Class Safety

"Finally student safety is a priority," one virtual student told us.

Mackenzie Instituting New "Virtual Hallways" Between Zoom Classes

"We hear you loud and clear," says administration in response to student body's declining mental health

TDSB Schools Remain Open During Light Snowfall

"By any reasonable standards, last night's squall was exceptionally mild."

OBAMA Becomes The World’s Leading Mining Industrial Conglomerate

"Why earn gold stars when you can earn gold bars?", says Mynkrapht Steev, a Mackenzie student turned minor miner.

1 Year Ago Today Memories

Long Story Short

Classifieds

Webcams Suspiciously Breaking All Across Mackenzie

An in-depth investigation

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day Expectations VS Reality

Valentine's Day

Mackenzie Social Distancing Policies Put in Place Due to Gum-Related Injuries

"I now know how it feels to chew 5 gum… painful," says Yom Ama, a bubblegum abuse victim.

Last Day of School Year Designated as Mental Wellness Day

"There was just no other day to fit it in.

Gardening Club Arrested For Illegal Drug Production

"They used to grow all kinds of flowers. Now they only seem to grow poppies."

Fish

What are you going to do? Give Me Detention?

Yes.

Mackenzie Teachers Innovating New Anti-Cheating Measures

Mackenzie Kills Two Birds With One Stone; Fights Climate Change and Gets AC

Student walks inside from the snowy outdoors, "s*** it's cold in here!"

TDSB Invites New Therapy Animal!

TDSB Implements New Supervision Policies for Virtual Classes

"They could be having private conversations!"

An Open Letter

Mackenzie Administration Commended After New Fundraising Initiative

Gym Class

Quarantine Goals: Before and After

The Flounder Labeled "Fake News Media" by the Lyon, Hallway Brawl Ensues

Quarantine From a Dog's Perspective

Virtual Class

TDSB Wins First Ever Nobel Peace Prize For an Error Page

Improving our world one step at a time

Mackenzie Student Sets New World Record For Longest Time Without Sleep

Students Shocked at New Restroom Policy

"We're all pissed"

Lois

Mackenzie Locker Size Protest Cancelled Due to Equipment Being Stuck in Lockers

"We were after locker space, not a void in space," says protest leader, Chirag Gupta

Universities Adopt Handwashing as Number 1 Factor for Admission

Geric Mrtler, co-president of T of U says "the future of the workforce, reputation of our university, and the entire education system really isn't worth all that much."

The Flounder Fashion Fad

Flounder Cannibal

Asynchronous in a Nutshell

Demand for accounting classes skyrockets after addition of Tax Fraud unit

"I'm so glad that school is finally teaching us something practical."

Vaping population at Mackenzie drops below 0%

"Future trends, we decided, should be considered negative," said the Official Mackenzie Statistic Fabricator.

Mackenzie alumni's creative bridge design nominated for environmental innovation awards

"Aren't bridges supposed to be made with popsicle sticks?"

New trash system of 2.6 million bins to simplify Mackenzie's three bin policy

"After all, not everybody can properly sort their waste—it's just too difficult sometimes."

Leadership struggle causes the collapse of "Club President's Club"

Some insist that the club never existed in the first place. Perhaps it is for the best that we do the same.

Students adopt alternative optimised study schedule

You can't have disruptions to your study schedule if you don't study at all.

Students Want School Uniforms For Custodial Strike

Mackenzie mascot to be replaced with real lion

"[Screams] It's got my leg," says mascot trainer.

"O Canada" modified to begin with twenty seconds of silence

Silence a welcome space for students to self-reflect and check their phones.

Mackenzie doubles height of hallways to alleviate congestion

Students now travel the halls one on top of another in an orderly fashion.

Falling EQAO scores prompt Mackenzie to change school motto

Students plan on "getting the first fifteen correct."

Cafeteria staff to purchase beach house with profit from plastic utensils

"It's warmer in Jamaica," says one staff member.

Administration to crack down on dabbing

New regulation comes after claims that the action poses a safety hazard and decreased brain activity.