New Spider Terrorization Tactics are Effectively Increasing Productivity

TORONTO, ON - TDSB schools have recently installed dispensers on ceiling tiles to drop spiders when students get distracted.

The spiders crawl over the students’ body to give small, friendly taps on the shoulder to remind them to return to work. Students claim the spiders are so excessively small and subtle that squishing and swallowing them is a palpable concern.

By attaching a string to a student’s arm, the ceiling tile over the student head falls, releasing the spiders. The use of facial recognition AI is also used whenever a student turns to check their phone or go to check a new website. The spiders have a successful dropping rate of 99.998%.

Teachers are enthused with the concentration, stating that the newfound attention is more relaxing than lunch breaks. “I never knew what my students looked like,” one teacher says. “They usually hide behind laptops, books, anything to avoid looking at me. The spiders always give them a little jump. I like to hear them scream. It brings out the colour in their eyes.”

On the other hand, the students are less excited, complaining that the ceiling tile dust floods everywhere. “Those things never get cleaned. The ceiling tiles are so old that when they fall, they dump asbestos all over us,” one student moaned.

Studies by the Center of Freedom and Incentives Agency (CFIA) have proven spiders boost the productivity of all students, regardless of race, age, gender, or income. “We are now looking into different species of spiders to find any breeds that further boost productivity and aren’t venomous. This is a new era for learning, an era of more limbs and less dims. ”