December Issue
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Table of Contents
- Mo Willems Book Causes Existential Crisis
- Club presidents beg students to join their club at club crawl
- Mackenzie Students Distressed Over New Lafloofloos
- Examination Replacement Proposal (REJECTED)
- Post-Secondary Admission Standards Rise to New Heights; “At least 100% Top 6 to be considered,” Mackenzie Guidance Counsellors Say
- TDSB Social Media Ban Now Includes Google Classroom
- From Mackenzie Hallways to Highways…What’s going on?
- The Defrosting Of Mariah Carey
- Each Club to Receive Maximum $10 in Budget for School Year
Mo Willems Book Causes Existential Crisis
TORONTO, ON - Classrooms in chaos today as the TDSB announces that Mo Willems’ Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus is being pulled off the shelves for “promoting animal rights”. According to one administration spokesperson involved in the decision (who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being dive bombed by our birdie’s kin), “It’s, quite frankly, inappropriate. It’s teaching kids terrible habits, to throw tantrums when they don’t get what they want. It’s giving them unrealistic ideas about the world. I mean, for █████ sake, the story is about a talking pigeon!”
Profanities aside, John Doe makes no point whatsoever. As he states himself, it is a story. A fictional kids’ book. Much like any of his departmental memos, it is exaggerated. Mo Willems didn’t actually meet a pigeon that wanted to drive a bus. Perhaps it was a chimpanzee. After all, they have much more dexterity than their fowl friends. Either way—whether it was a chimp, a cheetah, a chicken or a chinchilla—John Doe’s point has the structural integrity of a chocolate soufflé.
However, based on humans’ ability to eat bread off the floor, we may be more pigeonlike than we know World-renowned pigeonologist Bertha “Birdie” Browne had this to say when asked about allegations of the pigeon acting “humanlike”: “how do humans act? There are so many humans that act inhuman, so how can we know what animals act human and what humans act animal?” What we here at the Flounder took away from this is that some people are just awfully pigeonlike, or maybe pigeons are humanlike, or maybe we’re both chickenlike. We don’t know. Until the little green men find a way to communicate with us about shape shifting technology, we’ll probably never know.
As you’re constructing your tin hat, you may be thinking, “Oh, my beloved Flounder, what will happen to all these books? Will they just be hidden in some backroom deep within the school until the end of time?” The answer is, fortunately, definitely (probably)! If you are still a fan of children’s books and have not expanded your literary palate since grade one, you may be able to find a copy of Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus free of charge. Remember to do your part and advocate for the rights of this poor pigeon - he deserves it, no matter what the TDSB says.
Club presidents beg students to join their club at club crawl
TORONTO ON - During Mackenzie’s yearly club crawl, an event where junior students are able to learn about all the clubs at Mackenzie, club presidents have thrown themselves at students to hopefully secure members who will be able to continue the club’s legacy. One nonchalant dreadhead says, “I was so overwhelmed at the sheer number of club presidents who were groveling at my feet begging for me to join their clubs. Ladies I’m tryna do my work type shift, leave me alone type shift.”
In order to make sure that they secure members in the Junior grades, many club presidents have even resorted to the use of bribery. “If you join our club I will give you free junior chickens for life!” said one desperate club president. “If you join our club I will personally guarantee you admission to your dream university,” shouted another club president. The worst part is that all of this bribery is working. The clubs with these bribes are the ones getting the most junior members while the clubs who did not get enough budget were the ones left to become creative. Some clubs prepared tearful poems (Shakespeare style) begging students in the cafeteria to join their club.
As the bell rang, another successful, very oversimulating event at Mackenzie had been concluded. Club crawl has once again achieved its ultimate purpose: leaving club presidents with no dignity at all and junior students wondering how and when they even signed up for 30 clubs.
Mackenzie Students Distressed Over New Lafloofloos
Last week, BigFish announced the launch of a brand new series of Lafloofloo toys in response to the immense commercial success for the first series, and Mackenzie students are completely obsessed. Unfortunately, not many details are known about the new series as fans were screaming so much at the press conference, you couldn’t hear the CEO of BigFish.
Lafloofloos are the most adorable little creatures you’ve ever seen! Every student at Mackenzie has one hanging on their bag and (probably) five more at home. According to BigFish, the toys come in blind boxes, which makes the experience more “special” because you never know which one you’re going to get. A Lafloofloo can be yours today for the impressively low price of $999.99!
Many students logged onto BigFish’s website to purchase Lafloofloos, however… The server went down! This left many students extremely upset because they were unable to purchase the new Lafloofloos as soon as they were released. A distressed collector was in agony after hearing the devastating news. “Having to wait a day is the most painful thing I’ve ever been through” - Impay Shent, 2025. After this, he began to create a visible pool of tears on the ground, and a concerned passerby thought that he just peed himself.
At the Flounder, we sought special insight with the experience of opening and collecting Lafloofloos. We interviewed Noma Knee, who is Mackenzie’s top Lafloofloo collector.
Despite the new series having been out for just a few days, Knee has every one of them except for the blue Lafloofloo, which is the rarest one that she is trying incredibly hard to obtain.
“Finding the blue Lafloofloo is like finding my AirPods™. I know it’s there somewhere, and I’ll find it eventually,” said Knee. “It may not look fun, but the thrill of opening Lafloofloo boxes is like the single time I got 100% on a math test. Exhilarating, and no one is there to criticize my chicken scratch handwriting.”
Knee has worked in the mines ever since the very first Lafloofloos were released in order to save up to buy them all. Collecting them is the only thing that allows her to escape the harsh realities of the real world. Knee spends all of her free time buying Lafloofloos to unbox.
The report states that Knee opened the sacred box very carefully and handled the bag inside like it was made of glass. “Lafloofloos are very delicate and their fur can get damaged quite easily. Even the tiniest chip can dramatically decrease their value.” - Noma Knee, 2025.
She carefully cut open the bag, and what she saw inside reignited PTSD from previous unboxings, which resulted in her immediately viscerally sobbing. “I AM GOING TO HUNT DOWN WHOEVER PACKED THIS STUPID BOX! I ALREADY HAVE THE GRAY ONE!!!” Knee cartwheeled in anger, her newfound rage erupting out of her.
When Knee finally got herself together again, her final words were: “This is an unfortunate part of the Lafloofloo experience. But I’ll just get another one!” Little did she know, the next box would also contain a gray Lafloofloo. Our reporters left before anything could happen to them.
Examination Replacement Proposal (REJECTED)
Despite hours of research by our top experts, we here at the Flounder are still unsure as to why the province of Ontario has decided that 30% of a secondary student’s grade is to be determined by a final assessment. Furthermore, it was proven mathematically indeterminable as to why the standard for many courses has become to make that assessment an exam. We as students are intimately familiar with the stress that comes before such an event. Such studying, which accounts for our longest nights and our worst days, filled with caffeine, tears, and regret. Therefore, our closest guess is that exams were created as a torture method. Someone in the Ministry of Education vehemently hates children, and is doing a very bad job of hiding it. I mean, who hasn’t looked at an exam study sheet and literally thought, end me?
Which is precisely where our proposal comes in. You see, Mr. Minister of Education, our team has come up with an ingenious solution to this issue. We understand the ministry’s position on culminating projects; we also understand the detrimental stress that it causes students. Our proposed solution to these issues is as follows: to get the final 30% of your grade, you need only compete in a Hunger Games-style fight to the death.
There are numerous benefits that come with this new system, such as survival skills training, less marking for teachers, and entertainment value. However, the biggest advantage is clear: this will do away with exam stress for secondary students. Gone are the days of spending late nights hunched over textbooks. Students can use this time for more valuable ventures. For example, sharpening a spear to a perfect point. It’s also been shown in numerous studies that spending time in nature is beneficial to one’s mental health. With this assessment tool, students will spend weeks becoming one with nature. Especially if they camouflage themselves into the foliage to escape the peers chasing them. Besides, who has time to be stressed out when you’re running for your life?
Many schools across the province are currently operating on shoestring budgets. Imagine how school funds would skyrocket if, out of every class, only one student survived to the end of the semester. Yes, some of this money would have to go towards building elaborate arenas for students to hunt each other down in. However, it would certainly be paid back after a couple of years. Not to mention, we could probably get grants to source most of the weapons necessary for this new endeavour from generous supporters of education.
Overall, we believe that a Hunger Games-esque event will prove beneficial for all parties involved. It will, of course, be most beneficial to the victor of each class, who will emerge from the arenas with a flat 100 on their exam.
Post-Secondary Admission Standards Rise to New Heights; “At least 100% Top 6 to be considered,” Mackenzie Guidance Counsellors Say
TORONTO ON - It is the season for post-secondary applications for Mackenzie’s seniors, and it isn’t looking good for this year’s batch. Standards are higher than ever, and according to Mackenzie guidance, a Top 6 average of 100% is recommended as the bare minimum to be considered for any program at any university in Canada.
This news comes on the heels of the University of Waterloo’s announcement that they are only taking people who have scored 150 out of 100 on the Euclid math contest for their Computer Science program, and McMaster University’s announcement that a functioning cure for cancer is needed for admission to their Health Sciences program.
“Unfortunately, this is the reality we are living in,” one guidance counsellor commented. “Those are the requirements to get into university, any post-secondary pathway really. 100% averages, outstanding achievements, you name it.”
The Guidance Department has published a list of recommendations for current and future Grade 12 students to take into consideration when making post-secondary decisions. These recommendations are viewed as the minimum requirements for even a 50% chance of admission.
Notable entries include having at least 5000 volunteer hours across high school, a recommendation letter from the Prime Minister of Canada, and a Nobel Prize earned before the age of 10 for maximized chances of admission to any college or university.
Although a 100% Top 6 is the bare minimum, the ideal admissions average for college and university programs is listed at around 128%. “You know, I would have considered taking a gap year instead of dealing with all this junk for admissions, but then I learned that taking a gap year requires 2000 volunteer hours logged in Grade 11 alone,” says Anonymous Grade 12 student, 2025. “I only have 1875 over all three years of high school.”
Even the Canadian Army has raised their standards. Now, in order to qualify to join the Canadian Armed Forces, one must have ran a full marathon before the age of 5 and have gotten an Olympic gold medal in weightlifting.
The recent updates have left students at a loss, for all post-secondary pathways seem to require equally high standards. Even entering the workforce proves difficult, because all current entry-level jobs require minimum 10 years of experience.
The guidance department also has a recommended solution for this dilemma: take as many years of Grade 12 as necessary until you meet the standards .“Where we once had students continuing to study Grade 12 for, let’s say, a semester or two as a ‘victory lap’, we are now recommending a ‘victory marathon’. This is the only way to guarantee that you will be able to pursue the post-secondary pathway of choice,” says another Mackenzie guidance counsellor.
The Flounder has tried reaching out to universities and colleges, but all requests for comment were summarily denied. “We had an exceptionally talented pool of applicants today, but unfortunately, we are unable to offer you any comments at this time. Please request again in 100 years,” reads an email from one university.
In other news, the Flounder will reject 100% of staff applicants next year as the only logical move.
TDSB Social Media Ban Now Includes Google Classroom
TORONTO ON - In an attempt to protect students from harmful distractions, the Toronto District School Board has expanded its social media ban to Google Classroom, claiming the platform “encourages too much communication between students and teachers” and that students are spending “far too much time on it.”
“Students have been commenting, posting pictures, and worst of all…asking questions! After posting one assignment, I get bombarded with 20 comments, and my inbox overflows!” complained Mrs. Grumps, a teacher at a local high school.
The Google Classroom ban emerges just a month after the popular social media app bans like TikTok and Instagram, sparking outrage and confusion among students. “First they took away TikTok, now Google Classroom?” said Tim Tom, a grade 11 student. “What am I supposed to look at now when I’m bored? The wall?”
This decision was made after the board realized that Google Classroom displays the same harmful features as social media platforms:constant notifications, scrolling, and heavy levels of communication. “Google Classroom is now Instagram, but just with deadlines,” said Edu Kashion, a TDSB trustee.
In replacement of Google Classroom, teachers invented Paper Classroom, claiming it’s a cutting-edge innovation. In reality, it’s just piles of paper stapled together. For assignments due at 11:59 pm, students are now required to use pigeon carriers to deliver their work. An early report has revealed that while student attention in class has risen by 101%, grades have mysteriously started to plummet.
Despite the chaos, TDSB insists that the ban is victorious. “Now there is no possible way for students to communicate online during class,” said Edu Kashion. “Sure, some pigeons and assignments are missing, but it just builds character and responsibility!”
From Mackenzie Hallways to Highways…What’s going on?
It’s only been two months into the new school year, and the hallways at Mackenzie are nothing short of a disaster. But something feels amiss… We’ve got halls more packed than the 401 during rush hour with a 3-car collision, and places emptier than a road in a corny Halloween film.
Coming from one hallway to another is quite literally like walking from a valley filled with rainbows and rabbits to a straight zombie warland. This transition can be frightening, especially for first-year freshmen. You step into the wrong corner, or “intersection,” and suddenly BOOM, you’ve got 80 angry teens all crammed together in a 10-foot square space, 15 more coming at you from each direction, and– hold on– did a guy just pass by on a scooter? The person beside you tries to cling to their friend, and in doing so, pushes you to the ground in desperation. On the other side, there’s a guy shoving a sandwich in his mouth while he juggles 20 books and 3 binders that look dangerously close to falling on you. You try your best to keep a cool facade while you use every remaining ounce of strength to not get carried down to the wrong floor, and finally, you escape the crowd, just to get back into the SAME situation 90 minutes later.
So what’s the issue here? Why are we transforming from normal walking students to gladiators in a span of 30 feet? Being the great investigators we are, The Flounder decided to interview some students to see what they thought. We’ve summed up all their thoughts in a few quotes below.
“Dude, I think…like maybe we gotta have like hall monitors herding students. Like sheep! Yea no that’s the solution right there bruh.” - Totally anonymous student.
“Okay now don’t tell anyone I said this but-” (oops!) “-I think the issue is that they have too many popular classes in one hallway and not enough math- I mean not fun classes in other hallways. Maybe they should like have fun class, not fun class, fun class in every hall so you kinda get a balanced amount of kids- Hey are you recording me?” - individual who 100% consented to being in this article
“They should build a rocket ship on the school so we could have classes there.” - Son of nobel prize winner
As we gathered more and more statements, we concluded that there isn’t much of a way to solve this problem unless we build a rocket ship on top of the school. We will be starting a GoFundMe page, and the link will be below this article. Do you want clearer hallways? Do you want to stop being pushed to the ground between periods? Do you hate having to be crushed between two seniors? If you answered yes to any of these questions, feel free to click the link and donate below.
- TheFlounder
The Defrosting Of Mariah Carey
TORONTO, ON - At midnight on November 1st, Mariah Carey’s annual thaw signals the start of the Christmas Season, with all of the Halloween decorations mysteriously disappearing and festive cheer taking over the streets.
At precisely 12:01 AM on November 1st, Mariah’s signature whistle pierced the night, exploding pumpkins and making decorations vanish without a trace. Eyewitnesses reported skeletons being dragged off front lawns by small creatures wearing cone hats and oversized ears, while ghosts didn’t even survive the purge, dying yet again. These elves, rumored to be part of Mariah’s elite fanbase known as the Lambily, moved fast and efficiently, ensuring Halloween disappeared into the night, replaced by glittering wreaths and peppermint-scented candles, meant to scare away the last lingering spirits of the spooky season.
There have already been early stages of Mariah’s effects across the city with speakers randomly turning on by themselves and radios starting to blast familiar holiday songs. Citizens were baffled, as resistance did not seem to be an option. They were advised to stock up on cookies, hot chocolate and cozy sweaters before the holiday spirit reached full force; for when the first snowflake fell, we would all know she had awakened.
As Mariah’s thaw continued, its effects quickly spread, with officials reporting William Lyon Mackenzie as the most affected area. Students experienced uncontrollable urges to deck the halls with bells of holly and blast “All I Want For Christmas Is You” every passing period. Teachers were caught and punished to a strict limit of 2 candy canes a day for using class time to watch the live countdown to Mariah’s full defrost. Insiders warned that once Mariah fully thawed, Mackenzie might never be the same- especially if she started looking for a principal position and turned the school into a year-round holiday madness.
Each Club to Receive Maximum $10 in Budget for School Year
MACKENZIE - In light of the astounding 500+ clubs in our school this year(which has put the approval process for said clubs into question), administrators have decided to allocate a minimal $10 to each club for spending purposes.
Obviously, this is much to the dismay of presidents who believe that their clubs should receive more than others. Responsible leader of the Flounder fan club Anon Emaus, has shared their numerous complaints of this unfair distribution. “Our association requires much more than $10 to fund events for our 200+ members! It’s ridiculous that we’re receiving the same as a certain mobile game club…”
Of course, fundraising for clubs has become more difficult, as spots for occasional food days are limited. In order to assist clubs with funding, SAC has set up a “begging corner” in which representatives solemnly approach passersby for spare change. Though of course, this corner too has limited availability.
A clever strategy (no comment on legality) to boost funds has been suggested by a student we interviewed, who wished to remain anonymous. President of the Lyon fan club and Matcha-Making club Tota LiBussted passionately says, “No one comes to the Lyon fan club anyway… therefore, I just move the funds towards my other club! Haha, it’s genius… I’d get in trouble if SAC found out!”.
However, while $10 is certainly a pathetic sum of money, funding may not be necessary at all. A study conducted by the Flounder’s data analysts have concluded that on average, each club has 0.5 attendants per meeting (including execs). This statistic definitely makes sense, considering that the majority of the student body have their own clubs to run.
So, maybe it’ll all work out in the end? I don’t know, I guess we’ll have to wait and see……