Mo Willems Book Causes Existential Crisis
TORONTO, ON - Classrooms in chaos today as the TDSB announces that Mo Willems’ Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus is being pulled off the shelves for “promoting animal rights”. According to one administration spokesperson involved in the decision (who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being dive bombed by our birdie’s kin), “It’s, quite frankly, inappropriate. It’s teaching kids terrible habits, to throw tantrums when they don’t get what they want. It’s giving them unrealistic ideas about the world. I mean, for █████ sake, the story is about a talking pigeon!”
Profanities aside, John Doe makes no point whatsoever. As he states himself, it is a story. A fictional kids’ book. Much like any of his departmental memos, it is exaggerated. Mo Willems didn’t actually meet a pigeon that wanted to drive a bus. Perhaps it was a chimpanzee. After all, they have much more dexterity than their fowl friends. Either way—whether it was a chimp, a cheetah, a chicken or a chinchilla—John Doe’s point has the structural integrity of a chocolate soufflé.
However, based on humans’ ability to eat bread off the floor, we may be more pigeonlike than we know World-renowned pigeonologist Bertha “Birdie” Browne had this to say when asked about allegations of the pigeon acting “humanlike”: “how do humans act? There are so many humans that act inhuman, so how can we know what animals act human and what humans act animal?” What we here at the Flounder took away from this is that some people are just awfully pigeonlike, or maybe pigeons are humanlike, or maybe we’re both chickenlike. We don’t know. Until the little green men find a way to communicate with us about shape shifting technology, we’ll probably never know.
As you’re constructing your tin hat, you may be thinking, “Oh, my beloved Flounder, what will happen to all these books? Will they just be hidden in some backroom deep within the school until the end of time?” The answer is, fortunately, definitely (probably)! If you are still a fan of children’s books and have not expanded your literary palate since grade one, you may be able to find a copy of Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus free of charge. Remember to do your part and advocate for the rights of this poor pigeon - he deserves it, no matter what the TDSB says.