Post-Secondary Admission Standards Rise to New Heights; “At least 100% Top 6 to be considered,” Mackenzie Guidance Counsellors Say

TORONTO ON - It is the season for post-secondary applications for Mackenzie’s seniors, and it isn’t looking good for this year’s batch. Standards are higher than ever, and according to Mackenzie guidance, a Top 6 average of 100% is recommended as the bare minimum to be considered for any program at any university in Canada.

This news comes on the heels of the University of Waterloo’s announcement that they are only taking people who have scored 150 out of 100 on the Euclid math contest for their Computer Science program, and McMaster University’s announcement that a functioning cure for cancer is needed for admission to their Health Sciences program.

“Unfortunately, this is the reality we are living in,” one guidance counsellor commented. “Those are the requirements to get into university, any post-secondary pathway really. 100% averages, outstanding achievements, you name it.”

The Guidance Department has published a list of recommendations for current and future Grade 12 students to take into consideration when making post-secondary decisions. These recommendations are viewed as the minimum requirements for even a 50% chance of admission.

Notable entries include having at least 5000 volunteer hours across high school, a recommendation letter from the Prime Minister of Canada, and a Nobel Prize earned before the age of 10 for maximized chances of admission to any college or university.

Although a 100% Top 6 is the bare minimum, the ideal admissions average for college and university programs is listed at around 128%. “You know, I would have considered taking a gap year instead of dealing with all this junk for admissions, but then I learned that taking a gap year requires 2000 volunteer hours logged in Grade 11 alone,” says Anonymous Grade 12 student, 2025. “I only have 1875 over all three years of high school.”

Even the Canadian Army has raised their standards. Now, in order to qualify to join the Canadian Armed Forces, one must have ran a full marathon before the age of 5 and have gotten an Olympic gold medal in weightlifting.

The recent updates have left students at a loss, for all post-secondary pathways seem to require equally high standards. Even entering the workforce proves difficult, because all current entry-level jobs require minimum 10 years of experience.

The guidance department also has a recommended solution for this dilemma: take as many years of Grade 12 as necessary until you meet the standards .“Where we once had students continuing to study Grade 12 for, let’s say, a semester or two as a ‘victory lap’, we are now recommending a ‘victory marathon’. This is the only way to guarantee that you will be able to pursue the post-secondary pathway of choice,” says another Mackenzie guidance counsellor.

The Flounder has tried reaching out to universities and colleges, but all requests for comment were summarily denied. “We had an exceptionally talented pool of applicants today, but unfortunately, we are unable to offer you any comments at this time. Please request again in 100 years,” reads an email from one university.

In other news, the Flounder will reject 100% of staff applicants next year as the only logical move.