November 2019 Issue
[ View as PDF ]Table of Contents
- Administration to crack down on dabbing
- Cafeteria staff to purchase beach house with profit from plastic utensils
- Falling EQAO scores prompt Mackenzie to change school motto
- Mackenzie doubles height of hallways to alleviate congestion
- "O Canada" modified to begin with twenty seconds of silence
- Mackenzie mascot to be replaced with real lion
- Students Want School Uniforms For Custodial Strike
Administration to crack down on dabbing
TORONTO, ON – School regulations are making waves in the daily routines of students, as the popular dance move known as the “dab” has been outlawed. This drastic move resulted from a student, who, while simultaneously dabbing with their friend, suffered a black eye and sprained wrist. Such an injury is the first of its kind at William Lyon Mackenzie C.I.
“I don’t know how to feel about this new change,” they commented. “On the one hand, I’m upset because dabbing has become a daily greeting between my friends and I. But on the other hand, it’s so outdated that it causes emotional pain to those who view the spectacle.”
School statisticians estimate that the number of arm and wrist related injuries occurring on school property will be reduced by 6.3%, and the number of completed assignments will increase by 3.1%.
Cafeteria staff to purchase beach house with profit from plastic utensils
High School students at Mackenzie forget to bring cutlery for lunch enough to turn a small cafeteria into a very profitable business. The serving company’s net worth is soon to be liquidated and exchanged for a beach house in Jamaica.
Expert statistician Ellen K. Almeida estimates, students forget to bring their own cutlery every 2 days out of 6. Furthermore, 90% of those cases will result in a purchased utensil.
“They’re fair people. They don’t charge for spoons and forks the first time you forget yours,” says one excited student. “But if you come frequently, the 25 cent fee is pretty reasonable.”
It seems that these plastic utensils have really grown in the hearts of the school’s population.
The founders of the now million dollar cutlery distribution businesses were recently asked, “What comes next?”
“Sporks.”
Falling EQAO scores prompt Mackenzie to change school motto
TORONTO, ON – Last year’s disappointing EQAO results have caused province wide changes in how teachers are hired. But here at Mackenzie a different approach is being taken to combat the board-wide trend.
Certain astute returning Mackenzie students noticed that the crest looked a bit different this September, but chose not to say anything to staff members.
“It just seemed like too much work,” says one Grade 12 student.
The administration at Mackenzie when contacted about these changes did not say exactly what this new motto meant but simply that it would boost school scores on the upcoming EQAO assessment as long as students “took the message to heart”.
Some students have raised concerns about the message being “subliminal brainwashing”, but as Latin is not one of the courses offered at Mackenzie nobody can say for sure one way or the other.
Polls conducted by The Flounder revealed that support for this change is highest among grade nine students, but the older grades are indifferent.
One objection raised to changing the school crest was that it wouldn’t have any effect on students since nobody reads the school motto. Distressingly, Flounder correspondents were not able to track down a single Mackenzie student who knew what the old motto was, let alone what it meant.
This new motto appears to be catching on and “Deb ababaab cbdbc” has become somewhat of a rallying cry for grade nine students.
Mackenzie doubles height of hallways to alleviate congestion
TORONTO, ON – In an effort to ease congestion in school hallways, TDSB approved a renovation at William Lyon Mackenzie C.I. over the summer to increase the hallway height from 2.5 metres to 5.0 metres.
Students now travel the halls one on top of another in an orderly fashion. Students travelling north and east walk on the bottom, holding textbooks above their heads. Students travelling south and west walk on top.
“These kids are really well-coordinated,” said one history teacher. “They look like a giant Roman army in constant testudo formation when they walk around with their little textbooks over their heads.”
Many teachers have noticed improvements in their students’ morale after implementing the new traffic system. Teachers report that students arrive to class earlier, are more organised, get more exercise, and are more disciplined.
As one teacher says, “The new traffic system is really revolutionary. Not only did it free up space in the halls, students are getting more exercise. They are starting to be as sharp as soldiers. I really think that this system is the best possible way that we could have solved our congestion problem.”
While most of the school population is touting the benefits of the stacking system, some students are raising safety concerns. Notably, they are worried about the potential dangers of travelling at such high speeds.
“On the surface, the new traffic system may seem just as safe as our old system of overcrowding the halls as an unyielding mob, but there is actually a hidden threat: speed,” describes the head student advocate for the withdrawal of the stacked student system. “With how efficient the new traffic system is, students are moving too fast for their body to handle, resulting in more accidents.”
Renovations in the school are still under way. Current plans feature another level of lockers and overhead monkey bars. Doorways will be kept the same height to comply with fire safety regulations.
"O Canada" modified to begin with twenty seconds of silence
OTTAWA, ON – The Canadian Senate has passed a bill to add twenty seconds of silence to the beginning of the country’s national anthem.
The revision was proposed by a member of the Ontario provincial parliament who became inspired to propose this radical idea after visiting a Toronto High School.
“The use of silence before the playing of the national anthem was very impactful,” said the MPP. “Silence allows for a meaningful moment of self-reflection, allowing listeners to fully grasp the significance of our national anthem.”
Students at the school also tout the benefits of the silence, stating that the extra time is used to show gratitude to Canada, give a moment of silence for members of the Canadian Armed Forces, and let students check their phones for a few more seconds.
The practice of prepending silence to the national anthem was started by members of the student body. One student claims that the practice was born out of error, but was quickly adopted as a tradition when listeners noticed that the moment of silence left a profound impact on them.
Following the recent amendment making the anthem gender-neutral, this is the second major proposal to alter it. All that remains now is for the proposal to receive royal assent.
Mackenzie mascot to be replaced with real lion
The iconic lion mascot has graced the hallways of Mackenzie for as long as any of the reporters from The Flounder can remember. Some say it predates the school itself. But what happens when the costs of maintaining the costume are simply too much for a school that is struggling with overcrowding and budget cuts?
The mascot is a vital part of any high school, and Mackenzie is no exception. Our mascot appears at food days, assemblies, and sporting events. They are known to walk around, give out high fives, and bust a move. But all this comes at a cost, and this cost is paid out by the beloved costume. School mascot costumes are expensive, and when faced with the prospect of having to buy a new costume our school instead decided to go with the cheaper option. To buy a lion.
“I’m not sure if people understand just how expensive these costumes are”, says the TDSB School Mascot Executive. When asked about the costs of feeding the lion their reply was “A 150 kg lion let loose in a high school doesn’t need to be fed\ and that it would “help with hallway congestion”.
The plan is to slowly phase in the lion over the next five years while the mascot costume is still in reasonable shape. The current student working as the school mascot was not thrilled with this idea. The lion could not be reached for comment.
Students Want School Uniforms For Custodial Strike
A school custodian strike may occur in the near future. Schools around North York have made preparations by discouraging littering and encouraging cleanliness. However, the student body at Mackenzie has started petitioning for what students believe is a simpler solution to potential sanitation issues.
“Students were not prepared for the last strike. Garbage was littered everywhere and the school was in chaos all week,” says the main advocate for the new uniform.
The “Level A Hazmat Suit” was proposed by an anonymous student as a full replacement for all littering prevention. The suggested suit has a retail price of $2,224.99 and is duly fit for protection against most dangerous chemical substances, including used gym socks and leftover food in the halls.
“I had a spare and needed to share the hallway with used yogurt containers and a moldy pastrami sandwich,” commented one frustrated student, who was rumored to have contracted the plague shortly after.
For many students, changing their habits is an undesirable option, while accepting the mess and adapting to it is preferred. Some teachers attribute this decision to laziness, yet students are insisting that it is simply the most efficient solution to the litter problem.
However, prospects are not looking good for the new uniform as it has been found to not be in accordance with the student dress code.