Vaping population at Mackenzie drops below 0%

The dramatic rise of teenagers who vape in school bathrooms has created a new problem for administration. They took notice, and responded by implementing a highly effective strategy: new signs posted on all bathroom doors that say “NO SMOKING, NO VAPING (e-cigarettes)”. These small, thin plastic boards have had a wide and impactful effect on the Mackenzie community.

A survey conducted by The Flounder showed that the previous 34% of the school that vaped, has dramatically decreased by 48% over the last six weeks. “We didn’t think it possible for the number to drop below zero, but that was before we took into account the amount of students that have been deterred from vaping in the future,” said the Mackenzie Vaping Officer.

The figures were calculated by a convoluted process that involved multiplying the total number of vapers by the latitude of the school, then dividing the product by the total number of students, multiplied by the number of letters in the school’s name. “Future trends, we decided, should be considered negative,” said the Official Mackenzie Statistic Fabricator.

The capitalized text and strong wording on the sign, combined with its clean and minimalistic layout, has seemingly done the trick. An anonymous student commented: “At first, I didn’t think the signs would achieve anything. But after a couple of days, I really felt impacted by them. They changed the way I see the whole issue.”

Last year, a North Vancouver high school had to shut down almost all of its student bathrooms in an attempt to prevent kids from vaping at school. Mackenzie thankfully realizes the importance of bathroom privileges, and has created a very unique solution to this emerging problem, one that doesn’t involve students holding in their bladder for the day, and gives the hall monitors a break from barging into bathrooms.