November 2020 Issue
[ View as PDF ]
Table of Contents
- Demand for accounting classes skyrockets after addition of Tax Fraud unit
- Lois
- Universities Adopt Handwashing as Number 1 Factor for Admission
- TDSB Wins First Ever Nobel Peace Prize For an Error Page
- Flounder Cannibal
- Mackenzie Student Sets New World Record For Longest Time Without Sleep
- Students Shocked at New Restroom Policy
- Asynchronous in a Nutshell
- Mackenzie Locker Size Protest Cancelled Due to Equipment Being Stuck in Lockers
- Virtual Class
- The Flounder Fashion Fad
Demand for accounting classes skyrockets after addition of Tax Fraud unit
TORONTO, ON – Today, the Ministry of Education announced that it would be adding a new Tax Fraud unit to the accounting curriculum. The new unit includes lessons on falsifying loans, inflating expenses, and hiding income, giving students an in-depth look at how tax fraud is committed in Canada.
“Since the tax system is so complicated, we want students to know what not to do when they eventually have to file taxes,” said a spokesperson for the Ministry of Education. “The addition of this unit ensures that our students will graduate as responsible and financially literate adults.”
At Mackenzie, the announcement has caused the demand for accounting courses to skyrocket among students. Multiple math and physics teachers have already begun preparations to teach accounting next semester.
“I am super excited to learn about tax fraud next semester. I think it’s very important to know how to commit—I mean avoid—tax fraud.” a Grade 11 student said. “I’m so glad that school is finally teaching us something practical.”
Universities Adopt Handwashing as Number 1 Factor for Admission
The pandemic has made selecting students fairly based on their grades and extracurriculars almost impossible, but Canadian universities have thought of a ground-breaking solution that will revolutionize the admission process. Yesterday, during the annual Canadian University Gathering of Canadian Universities, all Canadian universities agreed to adopt handwashing entrance examinations that will be the number one factor for admissions.
The university admission process has long been criticized for testing skills not applicable in the real world. These times are over, because the new exam will test students on soap usage, scrubbing speed, and drying time, the three categories deemed most useful in the workplace by Health Canada.
The test will be offered virtually for students unable to attend the examination in person, but the universities take no responsibility for any camera water damage that may occur during the exam period.
Professor Geric Mertler, co-president of T of U, believes that this new development may even allow Canada to win the International Handwashing Olympiad (IHO). “Regardless,” he says, “the future of the workforce, reputation of our university, and the entire education system really isn’t worth all that much. As long as we’re staying safe and enforcing an equitable system, I’ll be more than happy.”
According to Almost Statistics Canada, Mackenzie’s hands are estimated to get 35% cleaner after the announcement of this news. Also, Mackenzie students should expect a 300% increase in the number of social-distancing-free parties celebrating this news, and a 10,000% increase in the number of crying MaCS students in the hallways.
TDSB Wins First Ever Nobel Peace Prize For an Error Page
On October 23 2020, the TDSB was awarded the very prestigious Nobel Peace Prize for their multicultural website, which can be understood in every language. It is a huge achievement for the board and has even greater benefits to the multicultural student body of the TDSB.
When our reporters asked the TDSB website development team what brought them to this great achievement, they replied, “We owe it all to the board, and the resources that they provide.” The board said that it is a simple balance of quantity over quality. “It is much more effective to give the developers 100 broken 30 year old computers than 10 functioning computers to develop it.” What profound words.
When asked what changes to the website they’ll make in the future, the TDSB said that they are working hard and long hours on replacing the frowny face emoji with a small brick breaker game. This will remain their top priority for an estimated 2.5 years, but, of course, this is a very optimistic estimate.
Right now though, the development team is just celebrating this accomplishment and they are thrilled with how well their error page works. The TDSB says the prize money will go towards hiring a personal attendance runner and reminder for each teacher, as well as hiring professionals to fumigate, pressure wash, bathe in acid, and heat in an oven, our cafeteria’s microwave so that it will be clean enough to meet (North Korean) safety standards by next year, when it is in use again.
Overall the TDSB is very happy with the way their website has worked, and will continue to use it due to it working very reliably, and performing exactly as poorly every time.
Mackenzie Student Sets New World Record For Longest Time Without Sleep
TORONTO, Ont. – Randy Gardner was once known as the Champion of Sleepless Days. The American set the world record for the longest time without sleep in 1964, by staying awake for 264 consecutive hours - exactly 11 days. What’s more, he set that record at the boyish age of 17. However, the unchallenged might of Randy Gardner is no more. Just last week, one of our very own Mackenzie students crushed him underfoot like one would crush a snail.
Mackenzie student Denny N. Denison miraculously managed to stay awake for 14 days, 9 hours, and 5 minutes. He was working on the grade 12 ICS ISP and, in order to finish, he stayed awake all night, every night, for two weeks straight. Upon completion of the project, Denison lost consciousness, and has yet to regain it. Unfortunately for Denison, he forgot to submit the project before losing consciousness, so he still received a zero (memory loss is a symptom of extreme sleep deprivation).
The medical community has reacted with shock and awe to the news of this feat. “This is absolutely unbelievable. It’s almost like someone made this up for a satirical newspaper”, said University Of Toronto medical sleep researcher, Dr. Jimmy Jameson.
McGill Health Sciences professor Jean-Guy Séguin was equally stunned. “To be honnête with vous, many of us in le field thought anyone who stayed awake that long would die from fatigue.” He then paused, before adding, “however, we may yet be proven right.”
The Flounder reached out to Denison for comment, but unfortunately Denison was unavailable due to being comatose.
Students Shocked at New Restroom Policy
Following the summer break, students came back to school to an unforeseen surprise. To promote social distancing, a maximum of five people are allowed inside a restroom at any time.
This poses a dilemma for the entire student body. Entering a fully occupied restroom would break the rule, but without entering, it is impossible to determine if a restroom has five occupants. Students now find restrooms to be the most unapproachable parts of the school.
In order to abide by the rule, students are pushed to drastic measures.
One student responded, “Everytime I use the restroom, I wait until someone leaves before I enter. Once I waited for 30 minutes since there wasn’t anyone in the restroom to begin with.”
Another student added, “Sometimes, I press my ear against the restroom door and count how many flushes I hear. This gives me a good estimate of how many people are inside.”
Concerned students are reaching out to authorities for clarification. Currently, school officials are planning to renovate the school to make restrooms fully transparent. “With this, students can confirm if a restroom is fully occupied without hassle,” a spokesperson explained. Construction is delayed due to COVID-19.
Mackenzie Locker Size Protest Cancelled Due to Equipment Being Stuck in Lockers
Locker size at Mackenzie has been an issue plaguing students since the dawn of time (give or take a few years). The entirety of Mackenize’s science council deduced more crampage within dense lockers will cause intermolecular collapse and form a black hole. Considering the potential world-ending catastrophe and the sheer inconvenience, Mackenzie had finally begun taking steps for change.
On April 20th, 2020, the students used the popular online platform VROOM (Virtual Rendezvous Of Obscene Matters) to discuss remedies. The initial plan was to rebuild every locker at school, however using popsicle sticks and glue to remodel the school was supposedly a “safety violation”. In light of this news, a protest was organized to make their concerns known. The arts and crafts committee of the protest created a plethora of signs, posters, and merchandise to support the event (which can be found on their website www.teespring.com/ün-ün-ün/LoveForLockers, where you can use code “ManifestDestiny68+1” for 10% off). After months of preparation, the protest had acquired the proper supplies, resounding support from the students, and even financial backing through email connections with the Prince of Nigeria. It was set to take place on October 26th, 2020.
However, come the 26th, tragedy struck. The storage team decided to make a statement by utilizing the lockers to illustrate their point. By storing the protest’s supplies in 1 locker, people would see firsthand how cramped the school lockers were. Unfortunately, the storage division forgot to carry the 2 when calculating how much the locker could handle. After reaching peak density, the locker imploded and the science department believes a black hole will be forming shortly. Thus, the protest was cancelled due to lack of equipment and a 73% loss in their numbers after several expedition teams sent for the supplies were sucked into the imploding mass. For the foreseeable future (roughly 3 more days before the black hole forms and humanity ceases to exist), no further protests will be held, so Mackenzie students will have to continue using cramped lockers.
