Universities Adopt Handwashing as Number 1 Factor for Admission

The pandemic has made selecting students fairly based on their grades and extracurriculars almost impossible, but Canadian universities have thought of a ground-breaking solution that will revolutionize the admission process. Yesterday, during the annual Canadian University Gathering of Canadian Universities, all Canadian universities agreed to adopt handwashing entrance examinations that will be the number one factor for admissions.

The university admission process has long been criticized for testing skills not applicable in the real world. These times are over, because the new exam will test students on soap usage, scrubbing speed, and drying time, the three categories deemed most useful in the workplace by Health Canada.

The test will be offered virtually for students unable to attend the examination in person, but the universities take no responsibility for any camera water damage that may occur during the exam period.

Professor Geric Mertler, co-president of T of U, believes that this new development may even allow Canada to win the International Handwashing Olympiad (IHO). “Regardless,” he says, “the future of the workforce, reputation of our university, and the entire education system really isn’t worth all that much. As long as we’re staying safe and enforcing an equitable system, I’ll be more than happy.”

According to Almost Statistics Canada, Mackenzie’s hands are estimated to get 35% cleaner after the announcement of this news. Also, Mackenzie students should expect a 300% increase in the number of social-distancing-free parties celebrating this news, and a 10,000% increase in the number of crying MaCS students in the hallways.