March 2021 Issue
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Table of Contents
OBAMA Becomes The Worldâs Leading Mining Industrial Conglomerate
The former school, once known as William Lyon Mackenzie Collegiate Institute, has undergone a complete rebrand. After forgoing high school education, the new mining industrial conglomerate has quickly become the worldâs leading mining site under the new name Official Best Association at Mining Activities, more commonly known as OBAMA.
This transition from mentoring to mining happened in early 2021, following the discovery of a valuable resource in Mackenzieâthe textbook. According to Reggie ĂnĂnĂn, Mackenzieâs textbook treasurer and former president of Guatemala, Mackenzie houses over 1 quintillion textbooks with more reserves being found daily. The only thing overshadowing this bountiful supply is the immense value of this rare mineral.
According to Mackenzie staff, textbooks are âvery expensive to replaceâ. Teachers have consistently had the valuation going from âcosting $60â to âcosting over $100â in a matter of a couple years. The inconsistent price point can only mean one thing: textbook trade value is exponentially skyrocketing! With an endless pool of resources that only seem to spike in value each year, itâs shocking Mackenzie didnât switch to the mining industry sooner.
As the former school transitioned into the mining industry, the staff assumed management and brokerage roles while the students worked in the mines. The combination of a business savvy teaching staff comparable to r/wallstreetbets and the minor minersâ years of Minecraft training resulted in an overnight success for OBAMA.
It is believed once they settle their copyright lawsuit with the 44th president of the United States, they will go on to make roughly 69x Amazonâs profit in 2020. More schools may attempt to follow suit, however it is believed OBAMA will own most of Earth and 12% of Mars by June 2021, preventing the chance for competing industries to rise. âSome may not approve of buying planets, but reality is often disappointing. We will make sure the industry is perfectly balanced, as all things should be. This change will happen thanks to our great profits allowing reality to be whatever we want. Simply put, we are inevitable,â said CEO of OBAMA, Thanos Karr.
Mackenzie Virtual Lockdowns Improves Virtual Class Safety
Toronto ON - On Friday, March 12th, Mackenzie had its first ever virtual lockdown rehearsal. This was in light of recent calls for increased student safety, and will protect students when the school is in crisis.
The High Council of Mackenzie Student Safety put the initiative seamlessly into effect. Virtual Mackenzie students rehearsed turning their lights off, hiding under desks, and sitting for 5 minutes. However, many studentsâ wifi routers connect to their lights, kicking many out of their virtual classrooms. There was however, the unexpected advantage that any threat in the school would not see virtual students, reducing their chance of serious harm. This data is currently being analyzed by the administration and we expect an email with the results in 6-8 months.
Anyhow, virtual lockdowns protect students from every possible school threat. âAttackers in the school would have a 0% chance to harm the virtual students,â Toronto Police Services stated. Also, according to a Mackenize data management study, virtual lockdowns also protect students from earthquakes, volcanoes, nuclear war, Covid-19, cyberbullying, and many other threats. âOne desk sure can do a lot!â says one virtual Mackenzie student.
The high council now ingeniously plans to ban lockdowns. This is in an effort to protect students from Covid-19 as lockdowns always occur when our case counts are highest. âAll in all, this was a pretty awesome lockdown drill,â says one Mackenzie student who also experienced wifi issues and was unable to return into class after.
Mackenzie Instituting New "Virtual Hallways" Between Zoom Classes
Toronto ON â Mackenzie students are aghast following an announcement from the Mackenzie administration that new âvirtual hallwaysâ will be introduced between Zoom classes. The regulation intends to combat rising concern over studentsâ mental health by re-exposing them to overcrowded and generally stress-inducing spaces during the COVID-19 pandemic. âThe logic is sound,â affirmed acting Deputy VP of Student Affairs, Felipe Castro. âWe are very proud to bring back an essential element of pre-COVID student life for Mackenzie students,â he continued.
Teachers also seemed interested in the prospect of issuing virtual hall passes for students who wish to go back to loitering outside of class instead of going to the washroom. When asked whether they would consider issuing virtual hall passes for students, 70% of teachers answered âyesâ, while the rest said that students should âgo to the washroom during lunchâ.
Meanwhile, new virtual hall monitors have indicated they intend to enforce the same rules virtually as they had in-person. âThere will be no eating lunch on the virtual second floor,â declared the Mackenzie hallway spokesperson, Felipe Castro Jr. II. He went on to deny any relation to the aforementioned acting Deputy VP of Student Affairs, Felipe Castro; however, his claims are disputed by The Flounderâs best experts.
TDSB Schools Remain Open During Light Snowfall
TORONTO, ON â This morning, the Toronto District School Board announced that schools would remain open today due to the negligible impact of last nightâs snowfall. The announcement comes as school boards across the Greater Toronto Area demonstrated their frailty by closing schools.
âBy any reasonable standards, last nightâs squall was exceptionally mild,â said Mr. Barbarossa, the TDSBâs top weatherman at the snow day decision desk. âStudents woke up to a mere 2 metres of snow, winds were barely topping 200 km/h, and the temperature was not even â40â.â
The boardâs decision to keep schools open was popular among students and universally praised on social media. âI canât believe thatâŠ[the TDSB was brave enough to keep schools open for their] students. I am soâŠ[fortunate to be able to go to] school!!!â said @HypothermicHarold on Twitter.
In addition to the announcement, the TDSB advises that students begin their commute to school earlier this week due to a 9000% increase in traffic jams caused by geese crossings.
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