TDSB Attracts International Attention For Mysterious COVID-19 Situation

"This simply is beyond modern medicine," says one Harvard doctor.

By: Gould Fisher

Toronto ON - Officials worldwide are now studying William Lyon Mackenzie C.I. to determine why COVID-19 cases still occur at the school, despite the mandatory daily survey, which verifies that staff and students do not have the virus. Top scientists from the World Health Organization thoroughly inspected the ServiceNow survey and are now at our school, labelled ground zero, investigating the situation.

“A crucial step in this situation is analyzing the source of viral transmission,” one WHO scientist informs us. “However, the survey is foolproof and robust, which confirms that the source of transmission cannot be from the students. There must be some other explanation.” The WHO has a few key hypotheses.

The most widely accepted hypothesis among the scientists is that class pets such as fish and hamsters are responsible for the spread of COVID-19. Scientists are thereby crafting ServiceNow forms that the pets can fill out. However, the entire TDSB budget for the heating system will be redirected. This should not be of much consequence though, especially considering the weather is getting much warmer.

Another hypothesis is that the school is the perfect COVID-19 breeding and mutations ground. Since the use of the school’s pool has been restricted due to COVID-19 protocols, there has also been no maintenance. Combine this with the intoxicating gas composed of Axe body spray and pre-pubescent body odour seeping from the boy’s locker room and it is likely this virus-forming cesspool catalyzed COVID-19 to re-evolve.

The solution would be to close the pool for a year while it is drained and deep-cleaned. However, various teacher departments around the school protest, stating that without the pool their synchronized swimming team will not even make it to nationals.

Expert investigation will continue until a definite source is identified and dealt with. In the meantime, a new policy of ‘extreme vigilance’ has been put in place at Mackenze, which will eliminate the majority of viral transmission.