Doug Ford Announces Privatization of Toronto District School Board

Toronto ON - Following a ribbon closing ceremony of a local golf course, Doug Ford announced plans to immediately privatize the Toronto District School Board to increase Provincial Government revenue.

Ford insisted the decision was made following advice from the best public education experts: “My friends, these are unprecedented times. Everything is on the table, and I will not hesitate to do what’s necessary. That is why, effective immediately, I am proud to announce the TDSB will be initiating plans to fully privatize by the end of this quarter.”

Economic experts were giddy, forecasting massive profits, and opportunities for businesses to shatter new ethical boundaries through corporate sponsorship. Coincidentally, McDonald’s simultaneously announced Friday that they will be introducing a comprehensive healthy eating curriculum, while Marlboro will create an anti-smoking curriculum for all Ontario K-12 learners.

The Flounder’s most recent data indicates that 99.8% of public education experts disagree with the decision, citing supposedly important factors such as quality of education and misaligned interests. On an unrelated note, The Flounder’s new corporate sponsor, the Ford Family Foundation weighed in, stating, “Folks, Ontario is home to the best education system in North America, and with this new decision, Ontario will also be home to the most profitable education system in North America!”

Ford closed the Q&A period declaring, “I will not be questioned by a bunch of yahoos!” As he left, Ford could be heard murmuring, “God bless the people of Ontario…”