December 2021 Issue
[ View as PDF ]
Table of Contents
- New Spider Terrorization Tactics are Effectively Increasing Productivity
- Spot the Differences!
- Students With Faces in Hands as Midterm Marks Distributed
- Short Stairs for Short People
- Class Competitions
- Student-run team takes over hiring process for staff
- Praying for Our School
- Plain Misbehaviour or Something Deeper? Student Explains How Locked Washrooms Prove the Mackenzie Swimming Pool Exists
- TDSB Wi-Fi
- Nice Fermented Vegetables
New Spider Terrorization Tactics are Effectively Increasing Productivity
TORONTO, ON - TDSB schools have recently installed dispensers on ceiling tiles to drop spiders when students get distracted.
The spiders crawl over the students’ body to give small, friendly taps on the shoulder to remind them to return to work. Students claim the spiders are so excessively small and subtle that squishing and swallowing them is a palpable concern.
By attaching a string to a student’s arm, the ceiling tile over the student head falls, releasing the spiders. The use of facial recognition AI is also used whenever a student turns to check their phone or go to check a new website. The spiders have a successful dropping rate of 99.998%.
Teachers are enthused with the concentration, stating that the newfound attention is more relaxing than lunch breaks. “I never knew what my students looked like,” one teacher says. “They usually hide behind laptops, books, anything to avoid looking at me. The spiders always give them a little jump. I like to hear them scream. It brings out the colour in their eyes.”
On the other hand, the students are less excited, complaining that the ceiling tile dust floods everywhere. “Those things never get cleaned. The ceiling tiles are so old that when they fall, they dump asbestos all over us,” one student moaned.
Studies by the Center of Freedom and Incentives Agency (CFIA) have proven spiders boost the productivity of all students, regardless of race, age, gender, or income. “We are now looking into different species of spiders to find any breeds that further boost productivity and aren’t venomous. This is a new era for learning, an era of more limbs and less dims. ”
Students With Faces in Hands as Midterm Marks Distributed
North York, ON - Students of William Lyon Mackenzie held their faces in their hands as they cried while reluctantly showing their parents their midterm report. Unfortunately, these students did not take precautions against the deadly coronavirus pandemic seriously.
Toronto Publik Helth had advised students to support their sad faces with their elbows as to avoid direct contact between their hands and face.
“I have a 102 in math,” cried a student touching their face with both hands, “my parents are going to pull out the slipper.”
Classrooms erupted in chaos as the report cards were distributed, with students throwing apoplectic fits while others shared the same jug of bleach amidst comparing marks.
“I worked so hard,” cried another student, wiping his tears with a mask, “at least I got a better mark than the nerds in the back.”
Students replaced their usual wave gestures with close contact hugs without masks in an attempt to comfort each other. Administration reprimanded this behaviour and called for a school-wide assembly in the cafeteria on the importance of following COVID safety guidelines.
“Seems awfully crowded, but this assembly is of the utmost importance,” a teacher remarked.
Short Stairs for Short People
TORONTO, ON - To improve accessibility, William Lyon Mackenzie C.I. has renovated the staircases in the school to have steps half the size.
Students under 5’0 are encouraged to use the new staircase to aid travel to the second floor. “This staircase should make Mackenzie more welcoming to the grade 9 students,” the head of the architecture department remarked. “Until they are tall enough to climb the real deal, it can serve as their training wheels.”
Morale and participation have significantly improved since the new staircase, as reported by Grade 9 teachers on the second floor. Another teacher commented, “Everybody uses it nowadays. Taking the stairs two at a time is so cool.”
Despite the overwhelming positive feedback on the new addition, several students have raised concerns about congestion.
“It’s our only option until we grow tall enough to climb normal steps,” one grade 9 student said, “Unfortunately, since everybody is using the new staircase, it’s like a mosh pit when changing floors. I’m surprised nobody’s gotten into an accident yet.”
A petition has been passed around for the installment of multiple short staircases to alleviate the issue, in addition to lowered locker handles, water fountains and door frames.
Student-run team takes over hiring process for staff
CANADA – A new student-led group, the Recruitment of Instructors and Office-staff Team (RIOT), has been appointed by the WLMAC administration to manage the hiring process. These students will be in charge of accepting or rejecting applicants for the positions of teachers, office staff, principal, and various minor administrative positions, in addition to being responsible for the continued employment of current staff.
“We wanted to give students an opportunity to advocate for themselves and learn valuable leadership skills,” remarked a spokesperson for the school. “One day, they will be in charge of hiring staff for small businesses or fast-food franchises. It’s important they understand early the power they hold and the impact their decisions have on people’s lives.”
RIOT currently consists of ten members, mostly in grades 11 and 12, including two junior positions. While most are general members, there is a chair in charge of running meetings, and Justin Lu has stepped up as the resident photographer and videographer.
They will meet twice a month to review pending applications. According to RIOT’s published rulebook, the Universal Protocol for the Recruitment and Induction of Staff in Institutions Necessitating Good-will, after reading aloud the application, members hold a vote on whether or not to hire them.
“We don’t believe in the interview process. We know how stressful it can be, and in our experience, it rarely provides meaningful insight into a person’s capabilities on the job. Instead, we put all the questions normally asked in an interview into a Google Form, and we have all applicants fill it out,” explained the chair.
Another member added, “During the culminating season, we usually have a lot going on. We want to focus on our mental health, so we make sure to reduce the stress placed on us by randomly discarding half of all applications made around that time.”
Parents and a few members of staff have lobbed criticisms against the group, fearing that students may “overstep” or “abuse” their nigh-infinite power over the very staff responsible for their education and development. However, since its implementation, student averages have been steadily increasing, with no signs of stopping soon. Currently, the school is experiencing a 145% average, the highest in the country.
“These fears are completely unfounded. I am certain that our lawyers have put ample consideration into ensuring that there are always checks in place to prevent students from being able to act outside of the restrictions placed by staff and unilaterally remove current staff from their positions,” said former RIOT staff supervisor Ms Taek.
The staff at the school who have remained long enough to comment seem very hopeful for the current generation’s prospects after this display of integrity and decision-making skills. RIOT is currently looking into Board policies to see how they may go about hiring youth administration as part of their Principles Through Principals program.
Plain Misbehaviour or Something Deeper? Student Explains How Locked Washrooms Prove the Mackenzie Swimming Pool Exists
TORONTO, ON — In the wake of the infamous boys’ washroom locking in late November, students across Mackenzie have been speculating about the reason for this seemingly arbitrary decision. One, in particular, saw the move as a cover for the long-rumoured Mackenzie swimming pool in the basement.
“Maybe this isn’t ‘politically correct’ or whatever, but all of the school’s ‘vandalism’ talk is a bunch of propaganda,” said 12th grader Freidam Wrights.
“I ain’t no swimming pool building expert, but I heard something on The Will Macky Experience podcast the other day that really made a lot of sense,” he continued.
He described the discovery of a hidden pipe that ran through the boys’ washroom stalls to the basement. With recent renovations, he argued, the pipe’s concealment had been compromised, a blunder that finally revealed the pool’s existence.
“If you look at my friend’s Facebook post, there are actual pictures of the pipe saying ‘FOR THE SECRET POOL’ on it!” Wrights fumed. “What more proof do you need? I mean, you can’t make this stuff up. That’s why they closed the washrooms, they knew their secret was out.”
As president of The Flat Earth Club, Wrights has had no lack of experience speaking out against the status quo, and he has planned to make the “poolist” voice heard at Mackenzie, with a demonstration already scheduled for January 6th of next year.
“What the people and the mainstream media mob need to understand is that facts don’t care about your feelings, and the fact is that the pool has always been there. Wake up Mackenzie!”
