March 2022 Issue
[ View as PDF ]
Table of Contents
- School Day Officially Changes to “Night Shift” to Better Match Students’ Sleep Schedules
- Culminating Spree
- Student considering spending rest of life in a remote cottage in a Nordic country after being denied from the Toronto Public Library’s 'Leading to Reading' volunteer program
- Snow Day?
- Valentine Woes
- 4 Main Stages of Inflation
- Students Turn off Cameras to Stop the Spread of New Omicron Variant
- Don't Worry, He Doesn't Bite
- Same Old
- Students and teachers are no longer allowed to have cameras on as concerns about equitable treatment of the visually impaired arise
School Day Officially Changes to “Night Shift” to Better Match Students’ Sleep Schedules
MY BASEMENT, ON — This week, the Ministry of Education announced the permanent shifting of all Ontario secondary schools to run from 12 a.m. to 7 a.m. The decision stems from growing concern on how school disturbs students’ beauty sleep.
“We’ve heard countless, truly countless stories of students working late and not getting proper rest,” said the Ministry’s Director of Sleep, who exclusively uses his fingers to count.
“Our priority is always to best accommodate our students, and allowing them to learn during the hours of peak productivity is one way to accomplish that.”
The report released by the Ministry further outlines its benefits. Moving classes will give students the freedom to wake up later and have an eternal lunch, both of which have shown majority support in previous school polls.
Indeed, newer studies have also shown a unanimous positive response to “night shift” classes from Ontario high schoolers, who are positively certain that a single sadistic five-year-old runs the entire education system, pulling the strings for their own entertainment.
This article was last edited yesterday at 3:02 a.m.
Student considering spending rest of life in a remote cottage in a Nordic country after being denied from the Toronto Public Library’s 'Leading to Reading' volunteer program
After the Toronto Public Library’s “Leading to Reading” volunteer program rejected her, Tess Eract must make a choice. Society pressures many students to follow the “correct” or “most promising” paths in life, but many merits reside in less prestigious occupations, like apprenticeships, trades, or living in a remote cottage in a Nordic country.
Our society emphasizes academic achievement as a measurement of one’s worth or success. Young people are taught that you need a good job for money to survive and to get this good job, you need to graduate from a competitive and renowned university program with, at minimum, a four-year bachelor’s degree. But what of surviving on the fresh danishes picked off the trees of Denmark? What value does money have when the barriers of preconception and human connotation are peeled away?
Would you rather slave away at your desk, writing a fifty-thousand-word dissertation on the ethical implications of a hospital supplier offering a fifty percent discount on IV stands, or to frolic in the grass as Johann offers you a platter of Swedish meatballs?
Sure, a degree from the University of Northern British Columbia could offer opportunities. But how do these so-called “opportunities” compare to savoring cheap Havarti while watching the children yodel and wear their lederhösen?
And as Tess would recline on her Omtänksam armchair, sipping away at her non-alcoholic Skåne Akvavit, she would reflect and give thanks to the library for rejecting her from their program, launching the true beginning of her life: one of luxury and SAKS POTTS. And all because she was “too young to qualify for the position”.
Students Turn off Cameras to Stop the Spread of New Omicron Variant
TORONTO, ON - In the face of a new Omicron variant, students are turning off their cameras and microphones during virtual class to halt its new transmission methods.
“The new variant is the most infectious variant to date,” the head of a student announced in the chat last Monday at a Zoom meeting, “It has evolved to spread through sight as well as sound!” At an astonishing speed, students across TDSB have shut off their cameras and microphones citing Omicron transmission hazards. Impressed by their quick response, HOW applauded their efforts over Twitter, spreading these precautions even further across the globe.
Many teachers were misinformed due to the lack of email communications on the sudden change but luckily, nobody told them their cameras were off and their microphones were on mute. “It will be a rough semester but we need to tough it out for this pandemic to end.” comments Mike, winner of the science fair in response to the HOW tweet.
Unfortunately, there are numerous students actively voicing their opinion against the not yet enforced restrictions. While it is still legal, countless cameras with shoddy lighting and microphones with no noise suppression have endangered the lives of many. “How are we supposed to have a normal class if there’s no communication?” these students argue.
Zoom is anticipated to make a statement on whether they will be temporarily discontinuing those features through email next Wednesday. In the meantime, Google Meet has permanently discontinued its services saying, “We care about the next generation. We even innovated cameras out of our new Google Pixel 7! Buy it for the low, low price of $1899.99.” TDSB awaits the provincial government’s decision to go back in person, further preventing the spread of the new Omicron variant.
Students and teachers are no longer allowed to have cameras on as concerns about equitable treatment of the visually impaired arise
TORONTO, ON - TDSB’s new policy mandates that any person online keep their cameras off to increase fair treatment amongst students who are visually impaired.
The new policy states that all cameras accessible by a meeting platform be covered by at least 5 rolls of duct tape while the meeting is active. Since the policy doesn’t state where to put the duct tape, it does not have to cover the camera.
If a student’s camera is turned on during class, they must click a red button at the bottom left of the screen. This will pause the meeting, turning the screen all black and disabling the camera.
All the students interviewed were strangely delighted with the policy change. One student says that constantly being on camera is stressful. “I always overthink myself, staring at other people,” they say. “Keeping the cameras off is just easier to manage! It helps me play Gensh- I mean it helps me pay more attention to class!”
Many teachers share a common enthusiasm for this new policy. “I’m proud to be spreading awareness for the visually impaired. They are a community that has been largely overlooked, and it’s good to put them in a fresh new perspective. Although, I wonder how the TDSB will apply this policy when students return to full in-person learning.”
Students are also proud to raise awareness for the visually impaired, seeing the disabled cameras as a badge of honour. “Supporting groups with disabilities is always beneficial. It’s good to know that the TDSB is willing to give them the attention they deserve. Knowing all the cameras are off must make visually impaired students feel welcomed.”
