School Day Officially Changes to “Night Shift” to Better Match Students’ Sleep Schedules

MY BASEMENT, ON — This week, the Ministry of Education announced the permanent shifting of all Ontario secondary schools to run from 12 a.m. to 7 a.m. The decision stems from growing concern on how school disturbs students’ beauty sleep.

“We’ve heard countless, truly countless stories of students working late and not getting proper rest,” said the Ministry’s Director of Sleep, who exclusively uses his fingers to count.

“Our priority is always to best accommodate our students, and allowing them to learn during the hours of peak productivity is one way to accomplish that.”

The report released by the Ministry further outlines its benefits. Moving classes will give students the freedom to wake up later and have an eternal lunch, both of which have shown majority support in previous school polls.

Indeed, newer studies have also shown a unanimous positive response to “night shift” classes from Ontario high schoolers, who are positively certain that a single sadistic five-year-old runs the entire education system, pulling the strings for their own entertainment.

This article was last edited yesterday at 3:02 a.m.