December 2022 Issue
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Table of Contents
- Winning Class for the Food Drive Gets a Gourmet Buffet Lunch Reward
- TDSB Announces Selection for Sports Teams Will Now Be Done Via Lottery to Promote Equity
- Winter Anatomy
- I Wanna Do That
- Quizzes and Tests to Be “Self-Graded” to Keep Marks Fully Private and Confidential
- High School Students Discover Shocking Information About Flounder Fish
- The Halloween Hustle: A Practical Guide to Candy Scalping
- The Worms
- Teachers To Allow Only Online Messaging (No Talking) During Class To 'Keep the Noise Levels Down'
- TDSB Ecstatic Over Record High Pass Rate on EQAO
- December 2022 Issue
Winning Class for the Food Drive Gets a Gourmet Buffet Lunch Reward
TORONTO, ON — Mr. Cheaper’s Grade 11 Social Responsibilities class was treated to quite the feast last Friday - and they certainly earned it.
The generous bunch of teens donated a whopping six food items to this year’s school food drive, far more than their competing classes. As a reward for donating the most food to charity, they were treated to a gourmet buffet lunch, provided by the school.
Mrs.Giving, the school lead for the food drive project stated, “We’re so proud of all the students who donated food for the greater good, and especially Mr. Cheaper’s class for showing a clear, collective commitment to helping others in need.”
All collected food items were donated to a local soup kitchen.
When asked about what they’ve learned from this food drive experience, a student from Mr.Cheaper’s class said, “Donating food is awesome because the reward is amazing! It just goes to show that if you give to others, you’ll eventually be rewarded yourself.”
Another student commented, “I love giving to others, because you get so much more than you gave in return! The meal was delicious and I was completely stuffed at the end - that buffet lunch could have fed so many people!”
Mr. Cheaper’s students definitely enjoyed their tasty victory for this food drive, and now eagerly await the upcoming clothing drive. One student expressed their excitement, “I can’t wait to donate an old shirt or something - for the reward of an entire new wardrobe from The Gap!”
TDSB Announces Selection for Sports Teams Will Now Be Done Via Lottery to Promote Equity
TORONTO, ON - The Five Lakes Academic Board has introduced a new policy change aimed at making sports participation more equitable. Students who express interest in joining teams will be selected via random selection by lottery. This system hopes to improve equality among the physically challenged.
FLAB’s plans state that a mere sign-up form will be used in lieu of tryouts. Any students, who wish to participate in a sport will be required to fill out a form with their name and express interest, and submit a portfolio for review. The names on the form will be cut out and placed into a hat from which prospective coaches will draw names individually until their roster is full. Students are to be permitted and recommended to submit as many applications as they want to increase their chances of admission.
All forms of physical or skill-based tryouts are to be removed, with the FLAB stating that they will no longer be necessary given that all players will be randomly selected. Individual portfolios listing previous activities, qualifications, and achievements will be reviewed after the team is drawn and finalized to assist in creating coaching strategies. This new selection policy will streamline team creation while eliminating any selection bias, improving overall recruitment efficiency and selection equality.
The chief aim of this policy is to increase equity by considering the circumstances of the physically challenged. A lottery system will ensure that every student has an equal opportunity to play on a team. As FLAB spokesperson, Farah Thletic, says, “Skill should not matter, as it is ultimately the opportunity to play that is important. Skilled athletes will have no greater chance of playing on the team than unskilled athletes.” Equality will be very effectively achieved, as a lottery system ensures that each and every person has an irrefutably equal opportunity to be selected on the team; no movement impediment, not even general slowness, will be taken into account during selection.
“The longstanding tryout tradition has prevented new and less experienced players from exploring and developing their interests. This systemic barrier that prevents numerous people from getting onto teams and winning scholarships will no longer be permitted to stand,” a FLAB spokesperson says. “This new policy ensures that all students will now have an opportunity to perform in higher-level athletics while simultaneously breaking down the barriers that once may have prevented them from trying out.”
The policy change has spurred a mixed reaction among students, staff, and parents. Many students have protested that this policy change is ridiculous, considering that sports are about skill and are thus built on fundamental inequalities and imbalances. On the other hand, many parents cheer at the prospect of their child having a chance to compete alongside other talented players.
Quizzes and Tests to Be “Self-Graded” to Keep Marks Fully Private and Confidential
TORONTO, ON - In response to student complaints, the T.D.S.B. has introduced a new policy that allows tests and quizzes to be graded by the students themselves.
Students felt they should be trusted to mark their own tests and quizzes and that teachers have too much power. “It feels wrong that my teacher knows so much about me,” said one Grade 11 student. “Even my own parents know less.”
It took only a few weeks of complaining for the new system to be given the go-ahead. Students are rejoicing and say that their next self-graded test will receive a “completion mark.”
“I don’t remember the last time I was so happy with my mark!” announced one excited Grade 12 student.
“I’m proud of my latest test,” remarked another student. “I got a perfect score without having to argue with my teacher! And without even having had to study!””
Some teachers have fully embraced the policy change. “My class is getting exceptional grades!” bragged Ms. Slacker. Other teachers say that they have mixed feelings. “I will miss using my red pen,” says Mr. Maroon.
“The new policy promises to be a popular change,” says E. Z. Pass, the student ambassador of T.D.S.B.’s Centre for Healthy and Equitable Assessments of Tasks (CHEAT). “I have no doubt that we will see real boosts in student achievement, and that is what we should all care about.”
High School Students Discover Shocking Information About Flounder Fish
TORONTO, ON - The Flounder Fish is the iconic symbol of 132% legitimate news at William Lyon Mackenzie, and students are in shock after discovering the truth.
In late October 2022, a team of Flounder writers noted some irregularities in the color and size of the beloved flounder that swims in an aquarium in Flounder’s office in the basement of William Lyon Mackenzie C.I. After spending two weeks running experiments and searching through records of the fish’s health history in the library’s TSFID (Top Secret Fish Information Department), they found that the DNA of the fish varied slightly and yet significantly from the DNA shown on its records. The young writers–calling themselves the Flounder Fish Investigating Team (FFIT)–concluded that the current flounder is most certainly not the original.
After cornering the Chair of the CDFDRC (Canadian Dead Fish Disposal and Repurposing Committee) in a school-appropriate manner, the FFIT succeeded in uncovering some interesting information. Two editors from the Flounder have been participating in the CDFDRC’s bi-monthly FDFs (Fish Disposal Festival). When cornered, the two editors admitted that the original flounder died years ago as have other replacement flounders and that the current flounder is the forty-third flounder to take up occupancy in the The Flounder’s aquarium. The group originally agreed that it was best to keep this information confidential. Unfortunately, circumstances concerning the nature of highschoolers render that plan unfeasible.
The TDSB issued a 10 day period of mourning and school closure beginning on November the 2nd to honor the death of the Flounder. The FMGC, also known as the Fish Mourning Grand Council, insisted the time off is necessary to “get even with England’’ for the additional time they had to mourn the Queen’s death, as well as demonstrate concern for students’ mental health.
“I just can’t believe it. The fish was so special to me,” Flounder senior editor, Hally Bit, said, between sobs of despair. “I can’t believe I have been inspired by a fraud. I never would have guessed that something fishy was going on.”
The two editors responsible for replacing each dead flounder with a new one apologized for the deception in a recent TikTok video. Mackenzie students say the deception is unfor-gill-able.
Flounder senior editors want to assure the Mackenzie community that the two editors have been removed from the club and that the current Flounder Fish will remain alive, unharmed, and irreplaceable (at least, for three weeks).
The Halloween Hustle: A Practical Guide to Candy Scalping
Business Hallway, Mackenzie – The season of spooks and scares has come to an end, and children from around the world have joyfully refilled their stashes of sweets. Most of this candy is fated to disappear, slowly and sadly, into the tummies of their owners (and possibly their hungry parents).
However, according to business experts, there is potential concealed beneath the wrappers. One such expert is Trist “Scalpel” Coan, 14, business mogul and master entrepreneur, with whom the Flounder sat for an interview.
FLOUNDER: Thank you for doing this, Coan.
COAN: Anytime, thanks for the opportunity.
FLOUNDER: Let’s get to it, then. You and your colleagues have been tracking this “economic phenomenon” for the past few weeks following Halloween. Could you give us a brief description?
COAN: Yes, so, there’s an annual drop in demand for candy among students in the days following Halloween. Quite self-explanatory, everyone has their own candy, so there’s less need for more. However, once everyone’s supply is used up, the need for candy spikes, boosted by sugar withdrawals and enticing Christmas advertisements. A late-November, early-December “candy fever” is often the result of this—where children are willing to pay exorbitant prices for sweets.
FLOUNDER: How can the average student take advantage of this?
COAN: By scalping their candy! Candy collected on Halloween is obtained for free, so students can make a profit by selling their treats for even a few nickels—and schools are the ideal venues for scalping! Students can get candy for free at events like Club Crawl and as prizes when participating in club events. The only competition is candy grams, which fortunately don’t sell during November! With this in mind, any business savvy student can make a killing.
FLOUNDER: Do you have any advice on scalping?
COAN: Of course! A student has to be aware of the emotional bandwidth of each potential customer, and be ready to adapt. For example, if you approach a shy or introverted customer, be aggressive and accusatory. If you come across a happy customer, bring them down a peg and console them with a chocolate bar. Honestly, as long as you take the Telemarketer Approach™, you’ll be swimming in cash in no time.
FLOUNDER: What is your experience with scalping? How did you come up with the name?
COAN: Oh, that silly thing? Well, I mogrivated a dying cutlery business using stoffication and prevented it from being rupkified. No small deal.
FLOUNDER: Wow! Please tell me more about that.
COAN: Wow, look at the time! Unfortunately I have to get to class.
Lei Zi is one of thirty Head Interns at the Flounder and the author of Cooking with Exposure: a Recipes for Artists. He is currently working twenty-five hours a day to provide for his Tamagotchi.
Teachers To Allow Only Online Messaging (No Talking) During Class To 'Keep the Noise Levels Down'
TORONTO, ON — Teachers have long criticized cellphone usage in classrooms, blaming it for all the world’s problems - but what they despise more than any technology is the noise of children.
Years of laggy zoom calls and muted microphones, taught teachers how relaxing the sweet sound of silence can be. “It’s just amazing! You can just press one button and they shut up,” said Geography teacher Sy Lence about the pleasures of online teaching.
Many teachers started adopting online-messaging-only policies in their classrooms which allows them to bathe in the blissful silence of the classroom. “It really works well to eliminate the classroom’s distractions. Now I can focus on my phone and don’t have to worry about the lesson” an excited Grade 12 student said.
Even the administration is in favor of the new policy. William Lyon Mackenzie’s principal, Mr. Johnson says that the online-messaging policy is “great news for the school.” He adds, “We no longer have to spend half the school budget on therapy for teachers who have gone mad from noisy classrooms.”
“Talking out loud” is now officially a “violation” as the school code of conduct requires “digital messaging” as the only form of in-class communication. Following the winter break, the school will implement a silence mandate, further eliminating all sounds, vocal or not. Violators will be suspended.
This new policy has been so successful that it will be implemented in schools province-wide by the end of the year. Education minister, Stephen Lecce, says, “We recognize how important it is to get students back in the classrooms and we are ready to invest in this new policy so it can be adopted provincially and our students can get the most out of their education.”
Teachers are so pleased with the new policy, many are now talking about requiring students to wear black boxes over their heads so that teachers won’t have to bother learning students’ names. Students’ faces would only have to be visible during examinations to ensure that they only cheat using their phones during in-class tests.
TDSB Ecstatic Over Record High Pass Rate on EQAO
TORONTO ON - The TDSB is hosting a school board-wide celebration this Friday over a record-high 52% pass rate on the EQAO amongst all Grade 9 students. The pass rate skyrocketed following a wave of school motto changing sparked by William Lyon Mackenzie C.I.
After the official change of motto from “Sua Praemia Laudi” to “Deb ababaab cbdbc” in 2019 received unanimous praise from the Grade 9 population of Mackenzie, many other schools followed suit in an attempt to provide their Grade 9 students with a boost, morale and score-wise, as well. By the next EQAO season, 93% of TDSB schools adopted the new motto. It did not change the following year.
It appears that students truly “took the message to heart,” as the Mackenzie administration had advised. The overall pass rate on the recent EQAO nearly doubled to 52% compared to pre-motto change rates, with the largest increases witnessed in the schools that implemented the motto change.
“I am so grateful to the school for leading this motto change revolution,” says Billy Venn, praising the change. “52 is like, the highest number I know. Where do we even go now? 51?” He says he answered the test questions with ease and is certain that he “got at least the first 15 questions.”
Many Grade 9 students are expressing similar overwhelming confidence in their answers to the first 15 questions, though the same was not necessarily said for the other questions.
Early critics of the motto change—they were concerned that the new motto involved subliminal brainwashing—are now championing the new motto given the results of the EQAO exam.
Some Mackenzie students are pushing to change the entire school crest and believe that doing so might push pass rates to 100%. The proposed new school crest does away with the lion and sunset and would be a sequence of 50 letters.
