Teachers To Allow Only Online Messaging (No Talking) During Class To 'Keep the Noise Levels Down'

Teachers embrace technology in a desperate attempt to “shut those kids up

By: Joe King

TORONTO, ON — Teachers have long criticized cellphone usage in classrooms, blaming it for all the world’s problems - but what they despise more than any technology is the noise of children.

Years of laggy zoom calls and muted microphones, taught teachers how relaxing the sweet sound of silence can be. “It’s just amazing! You can just press one button and they shut up,” said Geography teacher Sy Lence about the pleasures of online teaching.

Many teachers started adopting online-messaging-only policies in their classrooms which allows them to bathe in the blissful silence of the classroom. “It really works well to eliminate the classroom’s distractions. Now I can focus on my phone and don’t have to worry about the lesson” an excited Grade 12 student said.

Even the administration is in favor of the new policy. William Lyon Mackenzie’s principal, Mr. Johnson says that the online-messaging policy is “great news for the school.” He adds, “We no longer have to spend half the school budget on therapy for teachers who have gone mad from noisy classrooms.”

“Talking out loud” is now officially a “violation” as the school code of conduct requires “digital messaging” as the only form of in-class communication. Following the winter break, the school will implement a silence mandate, further eliminating all sounds, vocal or not. Violators will be suspended.

This new policy has been so successful that it will be implemented in schools province-wide by the end of the year. Education minister, Stephen Lecce, says, “We recognize how important it is to get students back in the classrooms and we are ready to invest in this new policy so it can be adopted provincially and our students can get the most out of their education.”

Teachers are so pleased with the new policy, many are now talking about requiring students to wear black boxes over their heads so that teachers won’t have to bother learning students’ names. Students’ faces would only have to be visible during examinations to ensure that they only cheat using their phones during in-class tests.