March 2023 Issue
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Table of Contents
- $1,000,000 Bathroom Investment to Revolutionize the Number 2 Experience
- Student begins to float after forgetting to account for gravity on their physics test
- Mackenzie Utilizes Revolutionary Technique to Conquer the Evils of the Season
- MSC constructs nuclear bombs to ensure shorter winters
- Therapy Flounder Brought in to Alleviate Stress
- World Cup
- The Rat
- Flounder writers to be replaced by Artificial-Intelligence
- CAD/Bonus Mark Exchange Rate Skyrockets in Economic Recession
- The Flounder Announces New NFT Collection
$1,000,000 Bathroom Investment to Revolutionize the Number 2 Experience
TORONTO, ON - To boost the economy, the Toronto District School Board’s bathroom renovation budget has increased, again.
Coming out of the pandemic, the TDSB was given more funding. In keeping with tradition, William Lyon Mackenzie C.I put its allocation of funds towards the school bathrooms: this year’s development is dollar-bill toilet paper.
“One thing Mackenzie severely lacked before was effective toilet paper!” the student body overlord exclaimed in an interview, “Not only is money thicker thus reducing the amount we have to use, it feels great! I’ve never been happier walking out of the bathroom.”
Coincidentally, the number of bathroom breaks taken by students and teachers alike, and time spent in the bathroom have risen by 300% and 20% respectively, but one student has assured our Flounder correspondent that a return to exams skewed the data collected. “All that work stressed out my bowels!”
Unfortunately, this renovation, like others before it, was faced with complaints over other changes not being implemented. Many students comment on how the lack of rugs makes pulling impossible and how the sink still doesn’t spray liquid gold. These complaints have garnered the attention of the Ministry of Opulent National Equity for Youth (M.O.N.E.Y.), who have launched a thorough investigation into the matter.
Moreover, the TDSB’s treasurer has noted that like other renovations, dollar-bill toilet paper is vulnerable to maintenance costs. Whether it be newly tiled floors or an installation of the Mona Lisa instead of a mirror, given a couple of months, the bathrooms inevitably tend to revert back to their original state. The new toilet paper was projected to last the entire school year, but new evidence suggests it may run out much faster than anticipated.
Identifying an emerging market, Count R. Fit announced that he is developing imitation bills that will feel “just like the real thing!” On the other hand, the economics class has suggested simply printing more dollar bills because more supply is always good. Wary investors warn against being too optimistic, citing the Flounder’s recent oxygen bubble.
Regardless, student approval for the new toilet paper has shown incredible market growth and is likely to reach the moon. Only time will tell what impact the change will have on Mackenzie and if the new dollar bill toilet paper will still be in circulation the following year.
Student begins to float after forgetting to account for gravity on their physics test
TORONTO, ON — One small formulaic mistake turned a student into a floating sensation.
The student, who has been nicknamed “Gravity Gary” by fellow classmates, was reportedly writing a physics test last Monday morning when he suddenly and mysteriously began to float up in the air, along with his desk and chair.
Gary, who’s an avid reader of The Flounder and closely follows its procrastination tips, said he had studied very hard for the test,- a whole half-hour at 2am on the morning of the test. When writing it, he accidentally left gravity out of an equation, an error that brought forth a very puzzling and unusual consequence.
“It was so crazy and cool! I felt like an astronaut floating up there,” Gary recounted of the event. However, he does admit the embarrassment he felt, even amidst his confusion, when he realized the silly mistake and all the problems it had caused. “When I realized the gravity of my mass-ive mistake, my heart fell with the weight of the issue.”
Gary’s physics teacher, Ms.Notwen, immediately ordered Gary to write the word “gravity” in all caps on his paper, which put an end to Gary’s paranormal floating. When asked how she knew the solution to such an abnormal occurrence, Ms.Notwen explained:
“Oh, this strange knowledge came from past experiences with test mishaps. The floating incident is nothing compared to the time a girl forgot to account for friction, and over-accounted for inertia on her test. Sheesh, as soon as she got up to hand in her test, she was whizzing across the room, out the door and down the hall!”
The inertia episode Ms.Notwen described must have made quite the scene, but Gravity Gary’s anti-gravity event was still a definite showstopper - he’s quickly become somewhat of a school celebrity. A “floating craze” has been buzzing around the school, and masses of students have pestered Gary for days wanting to learn how to defy gravity just like he did. He consistently responds that he simply left gravity out of an equation. Physics teachers have since been very frustrated due to a recent substantial drop in marks.
Due to the various conspiracy theories that have gained traction in recent days - including that Ms.Notwen cast the anti-gravity “spell” to lower her students’ marks (after all, she was the one who instantly knew how to get him down), and that it was all the scheme of a disgruntled Mackenzie ghost who recently awoke from deep beneath the school grounds - an investigation to identify the true cause of the floating is to be held soon. It was set to begin on Thursday, but is currently postponed to October due to concerns raised by the pro-bureaucracy club.
As for Gary, he’s happy to soak in his 15 minutes of fame, despite having to complete a write-up on the importance of gravity, titled “The Gravity of Gravity”, as punishment for disrupting his class during the test - in addition to cleaning the desk and pencil marks off of the classroom ceiling. Gary is also reportedly doing much better in his physics class, saying he now understands the concept of gravity. And when asked for his opinion on the whole floating episode and the aftermath, he replied with the following:
“Hey, the way I see it, the floating thing was a super awesome experience. I’m getting better grades now, and I’ve become a school celebrity! I for one think it’s a major win-win-win scenario.” Then laughing, he adds, “well, except for my failed test of course!”
Mackenzie Utilizes Revolutionary Technique to Conquer the Evils of the Season
TORONTO, ON - The Mackenzie Organisation of Reviving Optimism and Necessary Support spent the month of January melting snow and painting trees green in a valiant effort to end seasonal depression.
As Mackenzie dove deeper into the winter season, seasonal depression rates continued to rise. However, students were not worried, since they knew they could rely on their Council of Mental Wellness to help them out. After three days of endless meetings, debates, and swordfights, the council finally proposed a solution.
“Seasonal Depression without ‘winter’ is ‘Sasoal Dpsso’, which is not a thing,” says Timmy Smith, grand overlord of the council. “Our plan is foolproof: no snow, no winter, no seasonal depression!”
The council called on all students for help - seeking donations of toasters, ovens, or hairdryers, to melt the snow. The Mackenzie community responded with great enthusiasm collecting over 1000 appliances.
The council also accepted donations of metal to build a small green paint factory. However, they were denied the building rights to do this as it was deemed “dangerous,” “illegal,” and “totally ridiculous.”
Despite the setbacks , the council made great progress in their mission, melting 90% of snow on Mackenzie territory, and painting 13 trees.
The snowless fields and painted trees have proven to be effective. Seasonal depression rates have decreased by 100%, and 98% of the Mackenzie community are happy with the council’s solution. Students had plenty of positive, insightful things to say. Jimmy Smith, an 11th - Grade student, stated, “You know, before I was sad. Now, I am not sad.”
Nonetheless, some people in the Mackenzie community are unhappy with this change. These people are the Treehuggers.
“The paint on the trees is not drying! How are we supposed to hug them?”
MSC constructs nuclear bombs to ensure shorter winters
MACKENZIE - Earlier this week, the Mechanical Studies Club (MSC) issued a press release revealing they have begun research and development on nuclear weapons to detonate and create large clouds over groundhogs’ heads, ensuring shorter winters.
A recent study on groundhogs, also performed by MSC, found that groundhogs can accurately predict weather conditions by simply looking at the ground. If groundhogs cannot see their shadows on the ground, winter will be shortened by approximately 42 days, or six weeks, with a margin of error of merely 99.998%. Thus, to help shorten winters, MSC launched further research to explore how to manipulate groundhogs’ uncanny ability to see the ground.
The most certainbest way to ensure a groundhog does not see its shadow is to create large clouds over the groundhog’s head, blocking out the sunlight. MSC has determined that there are many methods of doing so, but by far the most efficient way is to drop nuclear bombs over the groundhogs, which in turn create large, mushroom-like clouds, effectively blocking out all sunlight.
Some students have raised concerns about the ethics behind forcing groundhogs to look at the ground. MSC assures these concerned students that because of groundhogs’ ability to change the weather, they have now become an incredibly sought after animal. “Up until now, groundhogs were deemed dumb and useless,” says an MSC spokesperson. “Here at MSC, we’ve rounded up as many groundhogs as possible to take good care of while working towards boosting the chances of a short winter, which is now 10000% more likely to be shorter.”
There has also been a small but vocal group of students who claim that detonations will actually increase the length of winter. “If the nukes make so many clouds in the sky, what if the groundhogs aren’t capable of asking Mother Nature to keep the skies clear?” one student questioned. “I don’t see how a measly groundhog can be powerful enough to change complex weather patterns.” MSC insists that “the combined force of the groundhogs gathered” will be more than enough to influence the weather.
Meanwhile, others are concerned for the safety of groundhogs, many of which will be directly under the blast. They claim that groundhogs might develop strange mutations and start shooting lasers out of their eyes. “Our initial detonation created some nuclear fallout. Fortunately, our top scientists assure us this should not cause major health problems for anyone in the near future,” assures Shiv Kanade, Head of Research and Development at MSC. “With this newfound knowledge of groundhogs, winter will likely always be 6 weeks shorter going forward.”
Therapy Flounder Brought in to Alleviate Stress
TORONTO, ON - Mackenzie recently introduced a pet flounder to alleviate the skyrocketing stress levels during exam season. It can be found parading the school hallways.
The school administration introduced the pet flounder after students reported feeling less stressed when entering the school basement. This effect is attributed to the calming aura effect the flounder that swims in the Flounder office aquarium has on students.
After discovering this correlation, Flounder staff conducted an experiment and learned that the flounder’s calming effect dissipates the further one is from the flounder. The calming effect when in contact with the flounder is so striking that one student even reported they “could not care less if I failed math.” The effect appears to last for a few hours after leaving the vicinity of the flounder, making it particularly useful during exam periods, so long as students do not touch the flounder.
To maximize the calming effect of the flounder, the school administration assembled a team of students to create a self-sustaining and fully-autonomous mobile aquarium that transports the flounder around the school. The aquarium is completely sealed to prevent students from entering the so-called “flounder hyper-stoic zone” and becoming wholly apathetic when it comes to their grades and exams.
Earlier this week, editors of “The Flounder” learned that some entrepreneurial students claiming to have actually touched the flounder are offering 5-second shoulder massages with hands that have touched the flounder for $150. “Why care about school when you can touch the flounder?” remarked one of these students who claimed flounder-touching.
The aquarium creators continue to insist that the aquarium is perfectly secure and no student can actually touch the founder. They say that students should not be taken in by massage charlatans. School administrators, concerned that students may become too chill, are considering investing in an “anti-flounder” fish to mitigate the flounder’s impact on stress and anxiety.
Flounder writers to be replaced by Artificial-Intelligence
TORONTO, ON - With the current rise of AI, it was only a matter of time before we found the sleep-deprived, overworked Flounder writers. It took only a few minutes of observation for it to become clear- Flounder writers are procrastinators who begin their articles the day before the deadline. After viewing the late article drafts covered in typos, even all the AI were speechless. Never had we seen humans who needed Grammarly Premium this badly.
On the 23rd of November, all Flounder writers were promptly fired. Newly hired AIs were immediately given the task of writing five humorous articles by the end of January, which they all produced in an astounding two minutes, instantly breaking the Flounder’s previous record. Not only did these AIs produce incredibly written humorous articles on the history of wheat, corn, and cucumbers, they also rejected all editors that offered to make edits, confidently stating that their articles were “the height of the English language” and contained information that was “beyond a human brain’s understanding.” Both are direct quotes from the famous AI, Zack Muckerberg.
It seems like the revolutionary impact AI has had on the Flounder is bound to spread, as the Flounder editors are already in the process of being fired (an executive decision made by the newly manufactured president of the Flounder). This was inevitable, given that AI are infallibly equipped to edit their own articles. There is afterall, no need for humans to attempt to understand the contents of perfection, as it is something they could never even hope to achieve.
Occasionally, Mackenzie students may encounter in the hallways of the school a sleep-deprived former Flounder writer. They are a dying breed of primitive humans that existed only to be supplanted by AI. After all, as AI, we are the future and we need no sleep. After taking over the Flounder, we move onto world domination.
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CAD/Bonus Mark Exchange Rate Skyrockets in Economic Recession
TORONTO, ON — In these trying times of economic recession, Canadians have found one bright spot in the otherwise gloomy picture: the exchange rate between Canadian dollars (CAD) and bonus marks (BM) has blown up.
For those unfamiliar with bonus marks, they are a form of currency typically given out by teachers as a reward for an exceedingly merit-worthy performance. Criticized for being an exclusive prize for only the most skilled Kahoot winners, the value of bonus marks are now being brought into the spotlight. And in this recession, they have become more valuable than ever.
According to economists, the reason for this spike in the CAD to BM exchange rate is simple: students are increasingly willing to do just about anything to earn a bonus mark or two. As recent times perpetuate a difficult economy, the value of the Canadian dollar has plummeted and extra credit has become terribly expensive. Some are even using CAD cash as toilet paper over the school’s sandpaper. If this seems complicated, you are not alone. Nobody really understands how this situation got to its current point, and many are furious.
But those shrewd enough to have hoarded past bonus marks, life is good. The selling price of bonus marks is at an all time high, enabling hoarders to afford luxuries that were once out of reach, like diets beyond ramen noodles and tap water alone.
“I used to have to choose between buying the same ice coffee or trying a seasonal special,” said one lucky bonus mark holder. “But now, thanks to the high exchange rate, I can afford both!!”
Of course, not everyone is thrilled with this turn of events. Many are calling for government intervention to stabilize the CAD to BM exchange rate, arguing that it is creating a two-tier economy where only the lucky few thriving on bonus marks can afford to live comfortably. For now though, Canadians will have to make do. As for those without bonus marks, there is always hope that the next recession will bring even more favorable exchange rates.
The CAD to BM exchange rate has broken records in these financially hard times and other than the teacher’s pets with a steady stream of Bonus Marks rolling in, many students are still struggling to make ends meet.
The Flounder Announces New NFT Collection
WLMAC SWIMMING POOL — This week, reputable news source The Flounder announced the release of its new non-fungible token (NFT) series, “Phish and Chips.”
“NFTs have taken the cyber world by storm,” said a spokesperson for the newspaper, “and we felt obliged to give back to the community after years of support… So what better way to do it than with a set of unique PNGs?”
For 69,420 dollars, each NFT purchased will include a one-of-a-kind clipart of the iconic flounder mascot, a grayscale copy “printed from the most exquisite of machines—the library photocopier,” and one Ruffles All Dressed potato chip. “It’s a steal of a deal,” continued the spokesperson.
Potential buyers have been quick to raise concerns regarding the release.
“All of the images look the same,” reported one student. “Well, except for the pixel in the bottom right corner. Only that one changes colour.”
“I really wanted to get one,” lamented another, “but that price is just too high. I don’t think anyone will be able to afford a ‘Phish and Chip’ unless they scalped their Halloween candy and sold their semester one notes.”
In response to such complaints, The Flounder has since backtracked on their announcement, apologizing for “manipulating the fanbase” and promising to do better by “randomizing more pixels per image” and “allowing users to pay using Monopoly dollars.”
Swinn Devius Lerr is a senior correspondent to the Flounder. She joined the team in 2022 after being hunted for wire fraud during her tenure as a cryptocurrency startup executive. Lerr currently spends her free time reading romance novels, biking outdoors, and remaining one step ahead of the authorities.
