$1,000,000 Bathroom Investment to Revolutionize the Number 2 Experience

TORONTO, ON - To boost the economy, the Toronto District School Board’s bathroom renovation budget has increased, again.

Coming out of the pandemic, the TDSB was given more funding. In keeping with tradition, William Lyon Mackenzie C.I put its allocation of funds towards the school bathrooms: this year’s development is dollar-bill toilet paper.

“One thing Mackenzie severely lacked before was effective toilet paper!” the student body overlord exclaimed in an interview, “Not only is money thicker thus reducing the amount we have to use, it feels great! I’ve never been happier walking out of the bathroom.”

Coincidentally, the number of bathroom breaks taken by students and teachers alike, and time spent in the bathroom have risen by 300% and 20% respectively, but one student has assured our Flounder correspondent that a return to exams skewed the data collected. “All that work stressed out my bowels!”

Unfortunately, this renovation, like others before it, was faced with complaints over other changes not being implemented. Many students comment on how the lack of rugs makes pulling impossible and how the sink still doesn’t spray liquid gold. These complaints have garnered the attention of the Ministry of Opulent National Equity for Youth (M.O.N.E.Y.), who have launched a thorough investigation into the matter.

Moreover, the TDSB’s treasurer has noted that like other renovations, dollar-bill toilet paper is vulnerable to maintenance costs. Whether it be newly tiled floors or an installation of the Mona Lisa instead of a mirror, given a couple of months, the bathrooms inevitably tend to revert back to their original state. The new toilet paper was projected to last the entire school year, but new evidence suggests it may run out much faster than anticipated.

Identifying an emerging market, Count R. Fit announced that he is developing imitation bills that will feel “just like the real thing!” On the other hand, the economics class has suggested simply printing more dollar bills because more supply is always good. Wary investors warn against being too optimistic, citing the Flounder’s recent oxygen bubble.

Regardless, student approval for the new toilet paper has shown incredible market growth and is likely to reach the moon. Only time will tell what impact the change will have on Mackenzie and if the new dollar bill toilet paper will still be in circulation the following year.