MSC constructs nuclear bombs to ensure shorter winters

MACKENZIE - Earlier this week, the Mechanical Studies Club (MSC) issued a press release revealing they have begun research and development on nuclear weapons to detonate and create large clouds over groundhogs’ heads, ensuring shorter winters.

A recent study on groundhogs, also performed by MSC, found that groundhogs can accurately predict weather conditions by simply looking at the ground. If groundhogs cannot see their shadows on the ground, winter will be shortened by approximately 42 days, or six weeks, with a margin of error of merely 99.998%. Thus, to help shorten winters, MSC launched further research to explore how to manipulate groundhogs’ uncanny ability to see the ground.

The most certainbest way to ensure a groundhog does not see its shadow is to create large clouds over the groundhog’s head, blocking out the sunlight. MSC has determined that there are many methods of doing so, but by far the most efficient way is to drop nuclear bombs over the groundhogs, which in turn create large, mushroom-like clouds, effectively blocking out all sunlight.

Some students have raised concerns about the ethics behind forcing groundhogs to look at the ground. MSC assures these concerned students that because of groundhogs’ ability to change the weather, they have now become an incredibly sought after animal. “Up until now, groundhogs were deemed dumb and useless,” says an MSC spokesperson. “Here at MSC, we’ve rounded up as many groundhogs as possible to take good care of while working towards boosting the chances of a short winter, which is now 10000% more likely to be shorter.”

There has also been a small but vocal group of students who claim that detonations will actually increase the length of winter. “If the nukes make so many clouds in the sky, what if the groundhogs aren’t capable of asking Mother Nature to keep the skies clear?” one student questioned. “I don’t see how a measly groundhog can be powerful enough to change complex weather patterns.” MSC insists that “the combined force of the groundhogs gathered” will be more than enough to influence the weather.

Meanwhile, others are concerned for the safety of groundhogs, many of which will be directly under the blast. They claim that groundhogs might develop strange mutations and start shooting lasers out of their eyes. “Our initial detonation created some nuclear fallout. Fortunately, our top scientists assure us this should not cause major health problems for anyone in the near future,” assures Shiv Kanade, Head of Research and Development at MSC. “With this newfound knowledge of groundhogs, winter will likely always be 6 weeks shorter going forward.”