Therapy Flounder Brought in to Alleviate Stress

TORONTO, ON - Mackenzie recently introduced a pet flounder to alleviate the skyrocketing stress levels during exam season. It can be found parading the school hallways.

The school administration introduced the pet flounder after students reported feeling less stressed when entering the school basement. This effect is attributed to the calming aura effect the flounder that swims in the Flounder office aquarium has on students.

After discovering this correlation, Flounder staff conducted an experiment and learned that the flounder’s calming effect dissipates the further one is from the flounder. The calming effect when in contact with the flounder is so striking that one student even reported they “could not care less if I failed math.” The effect appears to last for a few hours after leaving the vicinity of the flounder, making it particularly useful during exam periods, so long as students do not touch the flounder.

To maximize the calming effect of the flounder, the school administration assembled a team of students to create a self-sustaining and fully-autonomous mobile aquarium that transports the flounder around the school. The aquarium is completely sealed to prevent students from entering the so-called “flounder hyper-stoic zone” and becoming wholly apathetic when it comes to their grades and exams.

Earlier this week, editors of “The Flounder” learned that some entrepreneurial students claiming to have actually touched the flounder are offering 5-second shoulder massages with hands that have touched the flounder for $150. “Why care about school when you can touch the flounder?” remarked one of these students who claimed flounder-touching.

The aquarium creators continue to insist that the aquarium is perfectly secure and no student can actually touch the founder. They say that students should not be taken in by massage charlatans. School administrators, concerned that students may become too chill, are considering investing in an “anti-flounder” fish to mitigate the flounder’s impact on stress and anxiety.