The Flounder Is Cut In Half Due to a Lack of Ideas

In a bold and slightly fishy turn of events, the Flounder has been cut in half - vertically. Yes, vertically. The cut was not made by some printing error or joke by the “serious” competing newspaper The Lyon, but rather, by the editors themselves due to a lack of ideas. This all traces back to a meeting in late December.

The Flounder, known for fishy reporting and questionably phishy marketing, has been struggling to put out issues. Even self-proclaimed “writers” in English class found the humor staler than the food day products and the writing falling short of their glorified Quora posts they call essays. The Flounder was in dire need of a fresh perspective. At a recent meeting, staff realized that if they cut the paper in half, then there is half as much to dislike. Unfortunately, the staff were clueless as to how to cut it in half, so it was passed to the editors.

Unfortunately, editors being only useful for cutting stuff and not actually adding any ideas of their own, went with their primal instinct and grabbed a saw to chop down the paper faster than their dreams of being writers. This left the rest of the staff feeling frustrated and disappointed, but there remained a spark of hope. The writers had hopes of someone other than their English teacher actually reading their writing.

Despite mixed reactions, the Flounder is determined to swim upstream and make a comeback. This has paved the way for new business ventures. Students are now advised to get the full article on Saturdays to buy the other half of the article that was never meant to see the light of day, which will be available for purchase from the weird room in the basement that reeks of fish (rumor has it that is why the pool is off limits). Meanwhile, readers are encouraged to stay tuned for more reporting from the Flounder - or at least until they figure out how to glue their newspaper back together.