One Billion Lions vs. The Flounder

In one corner, there is the combined force of one billion lions, predators, at the top of their food chain armed with fierce claws and teeth. They’re known as the Kings of the Jungle even though they don’t live in jungles. Going non-existent toe to 5 billion toes with the lions is The Flounder, a being of worship with a vast cult following. Behind its floppy exterior is a sophisticated and calculating mind making this fight a brains and brawn vs. brawn matchup. It’s obvious, one might contend, what would happen if they met in a Waffle House but for the sake of our readers’ morbid curiosity, let us go over each and every way this completely fictional thought experiment would utterly decimate the lions.

You might be inclined to think that one billion lions have several advantages over fish, including The Flounder, such as limbs, mobility on land, and their sheer number. Frankly, such logic is sorely mistaken. 10, no 100 times more lions would be required to make The Flounder break a sweat.

In fact, that ability to live on land will be the lions’ downfall. With lungs comes an inability to live underwater and the Earth is covered in 93% water. Therefore, how could a single lion come within striking range of The Flounder? In the water, The Flounder has the immediate upper hand and in face of this immense power, the lions’ bodies being made up of 124% water, would crumble.

Our keen readers may find it fishy that this hypothetical only takes place in aquatic habitats. Surely, if the fight were to take place on land, death would befall The Flounder by mere suffocation. While that may be semi-plausible, The Flounder doesn’t even need to engage in a fight to win. Lions, like all living creatures, are subject to their needs: water, food, light, regulated temperatures, etc. If a billion lions truly had to co-exist on this Earth, those needs could not be met, leading to a classic case of scarcity soon followed by their demise. The Flounder would be happy to outlive them, sipping tea and reading The Flounder, keeping its brain sharp.

All of the above neglects to mention The Flounder’s strength, principally derived from its cult following. Having the fastest-growing audience in the world means the longer the fight drags on, the stronger The Flounder will become. No matter how you look at this fight, the outcome is the same: all one billion lions will be left floundering around helplessly at the fins of our fish god and saviour.