October 2024 Issue
[ View as PDF ]Table of Contents
- TDSB Announces Decision to Ban Google From Its WI-FI
- The Flounder Here, Your One and Only Source into the Scandalous Lives of America’s Elite
- Widespread Panic As Cats and Dogs Discover the Truth: Opinions From Experts
- MECK: The Principal Curse
- Kids’ Safety Organization Promotes Accepting Candy from Strangers at Night as “Perfectly Safe”
TDSB Announces Decision to Ban Google From Its WI-FI
TORONTO, ON– The TDSB has just recently announced their decision to ban all Google products– that includes the Google browser, Google Drive, and Google Classroom– from all TDSB Wi-Fi networks.
This decision quickly follows the mandate to ban phones and social media in schools instituted by the TDSB at the start of this school year. It is regarded by many as the natural continuation of a campaign to reduce distracted students in the classroom.
“Google browsers must generally access all online distractions on students’ computers. To go to any website, you need to do a Google search. Many websites have Google log-ins. Our policy would be removing all distractions at its root, resulting in a much more focused classroom,” A TDSB representative commented.
Students will still be allowed to keep their laptops and Chromebooks, but the functionality of Chromebooks in particular will be greatly limited to whatever apps will be necessary for school (i.e. Microsoft Word). The devices will be transformed into “expensive paperweights”; but many administrators and teachers are in favour of this transition.
“This policy is a good move,” one WLMAC teacher commented. “I’m so tired of students being on ‘Instant-gram’ and ‘Red-it’ in class. They’re getting distracted by Gmail and Google Slides, and there’s no valid reason for them to need this frivolousness. Now, it’ll be just like the good old days, with everything being on paper as originally intended.”
Meanwhile, students did not have as much of a negative attitude to the policy as expected. One WLMAC student the Flounder interviewed said, “Yeah, it’s understandable why they’d do that. It’s okay though, I still have a VP- I mean what?”
Other students, however, have compared this move by the TDSB to China’s Great Firewall, a comparison that administrators did not particularly appreciate.
Only time will tell if this policy will increase the effectiveness of education in schools, or if it will spark a new era of student rebellion. For the time being, though, the TDSB plans its next steps of banning Wi-Fi entirely.
The Flounder Here, Your One and Only Source into the Scandalous Lives of America’s Elite
As of late, we see our favourites, DJ Vance, Ronald Dump and Peelon Mask in the spotlight once more. Sources confirm what Y (formerly tweeter) users already know, there is no stopping Ronny from an opinion, a first amendment right for all American citizens!
The European Onion, a fake news source according to Dumpy, has stated that they will set an arrest warrant for Peelon should he allow Ronny back onto the platform. “Wow, that’s crazy beef. Mans would never smoke their bredrins like that bro. Ronny ain’t gonna nize his beak to nun.” DJ, Ronny’s right hand man, said in a formal apology for his deleted tweets from 2016, calling Ronald ‘reprehensible’. After this old beef emerged once more between DJ and Ronald, DJ is adamant to stand up for Ronald through everything, showing him that he is worthy of being second in command.
A previous ‘alliance’ between the EU and America, the group run by Ronny and DJ is said to have been put off, this squabble too much for them to handle. “I gotta put them back in their place. Got no reason to make my homie in trouble for speakin.”
The trio of DJ, Ronald and Peelon has had a long history, with a DJ and Ronald being ops only 8 years ago. Peelon, on the other hand, has caused some controversy as of late, pressing others who whispered about him. It is unsure if the trio will last, with sources confirming that there is tension between the leaders.
“I thought we were homies. Homies don’t do each other dirty like that, yo. I don’t think I can beat yutes up with them anymore. Can’t trust,” DJ said in his closing statement. It looks like they’re set on their deal, if Peelon is out, so are they. And that’s all for the segment of Trouble in Paradise. Tune in next time to find out if the beef followed through, and if Ronny and DJ are even still around…
XOXO, the Flounder
Widespread Panic As Cats and Dogs Discover the Truth: Opinions From Experts
“The news really hit me hard. I mean, Toronto is only 3 hours away from the border. If all the cats are being eaten in the US, it’s not too long before Canada follows.” - Ms Trahnzgendrohp Rations, local cat citizen
“This really is a tragic time for felines and canines alike. I think it is important to lessen the divide and bring our two sides together, in order to properly fight this issue. Unfortunately, the big cats and dogs are constantly encouraging the divide between our two sides.” - Mr Ohn AyeLeglle, full time dog, national award winning fetch champion
“I really do feel for all of our American counterparts. I mean what they are going through must be horrible. Thoughts and prayers.” - Mr AyLiens, friendly neighborhood cat
“Look, I’ve always been skeptical of humans, especially when they keep pointing lasers at walls for no reason, but this… this is something else entirely.” - Ms. Inprizinze, Toronto cat representative of International Cats Council
MECK: The Principal Curse
If you take the first name initials of the latest four Mackenzie principals, and combine them, you get MECK. A simple word. A nice looking one. Most will not make the immediate connection to our very own Mackenzie Electricity CKlub, also known as MECK.
Four Mackenzie principals in two years: a valid cause for suspicion amongst students. I mean, how many principals does it take to screw in a light bulb? Many fingers now turn to point at MECK. After all, they do worship light bulbs. Who are they, and what have they done to our principals?
Not to worry, the MECK club assured us that the past three principals are safe and happy. Though, at the Flounder, we wonder what MECK really stands for? The Mackenzie Electricity CKlub? Or perhaps something darker… Mackenzie Eradicates its Council of Knowledge? It’s anyone’s guess, but one thing is for sure– there’s more to this club than just light bulbs. As for our new principal, she makes up the final initial in MECK, and she is hopefully here to stay. Might as well get to know her:
Principal Four Truths and a Lie: Which of these facts about Ms. Neag are false? Dm us @wlmac.floundernews on instagram with the correct answer.
- She snowboards and wakeboards
- She has a dog who is a Rhodesian Ridgeback
- She enjoys playing volleyball
- She has fantastic skating skills, frequently landing axel jumps
- Before being a principal, she was an enthusiastic math teacher
Kids’ Safety Organization Promotes Accepting Candy from Strangers at Night as “Perfectly Safe”
TORONTO, ON — With the Halloween season fast approaching, kids’ safety organization, ‘Safety Always First for Everyone’ (SAFE), recently released a new and updated series of general safety tip videos for kids. These videos have been widely viewed this past week, thanks to a decision by the TDSB to broadcast them in class to all elementary and middle school-aged students.
These safety videos immediately exploded in controversy, due to their messaging to kids that accepting food from complete strangers at night is “perfectly safe” even without parental supervision. Initially, many parents and teachers believed these safety tips applied only for Halloween night, which most agreed was completely acceptable. However, SAFE representatives promptly responded otherwise.
“Our video tips are obviously relevant year-round. After all, if they work for some random night in October, they should no doubt work all the time!” says SAFE security chief Tubi Trust-Ed.
The widely contended messaging of these videos has led to the rise of parent group ‘Common Sense Limited’ (Common Sense Ltd.). This group is determined to force the board to “immediately halt the screening of these ridiculous and misleading videos”, as quoted by group leader, Trikatrit Frikandi.
Ms. Frikandi further asserts, “What happened to the old ‘stranger danger’ message? Why on earth are we encouraging our kids to actively seek out and accept candy from complete strangers at night?”
SAFE’s counterargument is simply that the classic ‘stranger danger’ attitude is out-of-date for today’s times. The organization’s chief advisor, Mr. E. Stranger, who has only been arrested twice for suspicious behaviour, insists that “kids just don’t talk to strangers enough these days - what a missed opportunity for these youth to meet new, totally completely well-meaning people.”
He adds on, “And don’t just take it from us - our largest funder, ‘Suspicious Candy Corp,’ also supports our mission to make kids feel safer about nighttime snacking.”
This sentiment is echoed by the school board as well. Board representatives explained that 127% of the yearly budget had been allocated to consultant fees (rather than textbooks or AC units) related to finding a suitable company to provide the safety tip videos. The consultant used, a part-time vampire, part-time wizard named Count Sus, advised the use of SAFE, and given the outrageous sum paid for this consulting service, TDSB reps claim that SAFE simply must be a reputable company.
Currently, Common Sense Ltd. are attempting to take SAFE and the school board to court for promoting “extremely unsafe practices” to children, but are having difficulty amassing supporters due to what they call “a lack of common sense.” But for now, if you trust SAFE’s safety tips, then the only things you have to fear this Halloween season are some spooky ghosts (and maybe the odd vampire-wizard).