**The Perfect Solution for Lonely ~~Losers~~ Lovers: the Soulmate™**
Are you(yes, YOU) sad, single and looking for love? Well, your search ends here! For a measly price of $12.99 (taxes, shipping fees, emotional damages, maintenance fees, utility charges and other NDA-mandated unnameable expenses not included), you can get your very own Soulmate™! For an additional $45.86, your Soulmate™ can be anyone (or anyTHING) you want: the perfect table tennis partner,taste-tester or ghost hunting co-investigator!
Now, you may be wondering, how do you get this unique, incredible Soulmate™? Do they show up at your door singing Cher and carrying a bouquet of roses? No no, it’s even better! You get the exclusive opportunity to grow your soulmate yourself. After you place your order, wait between 25-30 business days, (quicker, for a small fee)a small Egg™ will arrive on your stoop. Place the Egg™ in a tank, which can be chosen from our exclusive 2026 catalogue, (for the meager price of $246.50), and your Soulmate™ will grow slowly but steadily. Of course, you could choose the express version, which (obviously) costs extra, but it’s well worth it- it grows 4x as fast for only 29x the price!
For the Soulmate™ to grow as spectacularly as you deserve, the tank isn’t the only thing you need. When you pay an additional $86.85, you receive a special serum, made with magical, otherworldly ingredients (sorry, folks. Can’t specify - NDA), along with your Soulmate Egg™. This serum, when combined with special mountain water imported from Nepal (for an additional $126.20), will grow your Soulmate™ into the person of your dreams! You can even choose from a list of perks on our website - character traits, memory editing, organs included, ability to eat, hair strand count, IQ, and thousands more - for only a few thousand dollars more! All well worth it to find someone who’s 99.99999996% compatible down to the molecular level.
You may be skeptical - how well does this work? Will you get an actual soulmate, or just a half-developed, deformed lizard person? In truth, even our beta testers are wildly successful. One of our earliest products now runs three social media platforms alongside a happy family who blissfully ignore the way he sometimes licks his eyeballs (slight design flaw; it’s been corrected now, don’t worry). In addition, 32/33 amorologists (the remaining one is a Cupid-certified psychopath) recommend our program - all happily in a relationship with the Soulmate™ they crafted with their own two hands (and a little bit of money). If that doesn’t even convince you, take it from me - Cupid’s #1 Salescherub 450 000 000 000 years running.
Put down your phone, dear reader. Delete Tinder and Bumble and all of those other useless apps. This is the future of dating - where everyone gets who they want and everyone is happy. You’ll never spend another Valentine’s Day eating a whole pizza and watching Friends reruns alone - you’ll finally have someone to do that with! And really, isn’t that - eating and watching TV with someone by your side - the point of life?
Results may vary. Cupid does not take responsibility for injury, death, or existential collapse that occurs as a result of the purchase of the Soulmate™. No refunds or returns. No warranty. Payment plans available - 500 year terms. Transferable to family members after death.
