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The Flounder

New Year’s Resolutions: A Realistic Guide to Continue Worst Habits in 2026

By: Jan Wary

Every New Year’s Eve, people decide that the moment the clock strikes twelve, they will become completely new and improved. “New year, new me! 2026 will be my year,” they declare, with the same enthusiasm from 2025, 2024, and several other years that were in fact, not their year. Dear readers, after reviewing hundreds of failed resolution lists, I present the ultimate list of realistic resolutions to continue your bad habits with actual commitment this time.

  1. Buy Things You Don’t Need

    Retail therapy is literally essential self-care. That overly-expensive shirt you’ve been eyeing for weeks? Go ahead and buy it! If you’re ever going to spend money, you might as well spend it on things that will give you a 10-second surge of happiness—just don’t look at your bank account afterwards. After all, what you don’t know can’t hurt you.

  2. Scroll Until Sunrise

    What could possibly be more important than sleep you ask? TikTok…Instagram… YouTube Shorts… Your brain doesn’t need rest when there’s more content to consume! You’ll tell yourself, “5 more minutes” but when you check the clock, oh look! It’s 4am on a school day. There’s no better time to finish your homework.

  3. Procrastinate Like You’re Running out of Time (Except you actually are)

    Why start assignments early when you can just do it later— in half the time, but double the panic? Nothing beats that adrenaline rush when you start to do your assignment at 11pm (or 4am on a school day), when it’s due at 11:59pm. You can even develop a system where you reward yourself after every 30 minutes of procrastination!

  4. Binge Like a Champ

    Tell yourself you’re only going to watch one episode to see what all the hype is about on TikTok. Fast forward a little later and surprise surprise. That’s exactly how you fall into a 5-season commitment and somehow, it’s now part of your daily routine. Who needs a social life when you’ve got an endless supply of streaming content?

  5. Exercise…Eventually

    You’ll totally lock in and exercise this year. You’ve watched a few YouTube workout tips and tricks, your gym outfit, and you’re raring to get your Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson-level physique! But the gym is so far away, and your couch is right here. Those dumbbells aren’t going anywhere, but the snacks in the fridge are! You can always go tomorrow! Or next week? Maybe next month…Okay, next year.

    This year, don’t worry about that “new” version of yourself. Your bad habits have stuck with you through thick and thin, how could you abandon them now? 2026 doesn’t have to be all about improvement, because now, you’ve mastered the art of doing the exact opposite!