Leaked Reports Show the Grammys Voting Members Haven’t Listened To Music In 20 Years

This weekend, a shocking internal Grammy report was leaked, showing that the committee responsible for picking these winners has been completely unaware of current music for the last two decades. Committee members have reportedly based votes off album cover colours, coin flips and amounts of money the artists donated to that year’s show. After being questioned, one member embarrassingly admitted that he once saw Beyonce in a coffee shop order a “straight up black coffee” which is apparently “criminal”. Safe to say his vote did not go to Cowboy Carter.

Currently, the committee members are being called “questionably qualified” by basically everyone, from furious fans to even the security guard that got bribed with 20 dollars to let Taylor Swift’s three cats in. Granny Agnes refuses to vote unless she gets a refill of espresso and freshly baked biscotti cookies- always timed so as she takes her last sip and bite, the vote is in. Meanwhile, Henry, Presidential Executive of the committee naps through almost every meeting on a pile of nomination envelopes, just managing to point a finger at an album. Somehow miraculously counting as a vote.

While all this drama is going on behind the scenes, we have lots of drama on the streets. Stan groups are holding very dramatic protests, waving signs like “NAME ONE ARTIST. WE’LL WAIT.” and “SPOTIFY IS FREE”. As all of this is happening, social media has sparked some…interesting…ways to share their opinions. First of all, someone has started a GoFundMe to “buy every member of the committee a pair of headphones” (and maybe spotify premium if the donations allow). Of course, to make it even better, artists have started to pull their music out of the awards show, some including Benson Boone, Nicki Minaj and Harry Styles. But of course, these 2 artists just had to be different by releasing a diss track on the Grammys, our duo back together, Kendrick Lamar and Drake.

Yesterday, the committee finally responded:
We acknowledge the concerns raised by the recent report circulating on social media. Please be advised these reports are partially inaccurate.

To address the “concerns”, we’ve put in new measures.

1. Weekly listening sessions.

   Mandatory weekly listening exercises for all members, with results documented and reviewed during caffeine breaks.

2. Blindfolded assessment

   Albums judged without visuals to ensure sound is the priority.

3. Voting protocols

   Votes only count after a caffeinated beverage or 50 minutes of actual music listened to a year on Spotify or Apple Music.

   We thank you for your patience and faith in our sound-related judgement abilities. Questions? Email: [email protected], we check it a few times a year.

Regards,
The Recording Committee