February 2026 Issue
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Table of Contents
- Leaked Reports Show the Grammys Voting Members Haven’t Listened To Music In 20 Years
- Students Celebrate Birthday of Under Construction Rooftop LRT
- New Year’s Resolutions: A Realistic Guide to Continue Worst Habits in 2026
- Specialized Programs; New Merit-Based Application Process to Only Consider 50% of Exams
- How to Achieve Academic Excellence Without Having to Study
- **The Perfect Solution for Lonely ~~Losers~~ Lovers: the Soulmate™**
- Use of AI increasing academic standards by 100x
Leaked Reports Show the Grammys Voting Members Haven’t Listened To Music In 20 Years
This weekend, a shocking internal Grammy report was leaked, showing that the committee responsible for picking these winners has been completely unaware of current music for the last two decades. Committee members have reportedly based votes off album cover colours, coin flips and amounts of money the artists donated to that year’s show. After being questioned, one member embarrassingly admitted that he once saw Beyonce in a coffee shop order a “straight up black coffee” which is apparently “criminal”. Safe to say his vote did not go to Cowboy Carter.
Currently, the committee members are being called “questionably qualified” by basically everyone, from furious fans to even the security guard that got bribed with 20 dollars to let Taylor Swift’s three cats in. Granny Agnes refuses to vote unless she gets a refill of espresso and freshly baked biscotti cookies- always timed so as she takes her last sip and bite, the vote is in. Meanwhile, Henry, Presidential Executive of the committee naps through almost every meeting on a pile of nomination envelopes, just managing to point a finger at an album. Somehow miraculously counting as a vote.
While all this drama is going on behind the scenes, we have lots of drama on the streets. Stan groups are holding very dramatic protests, waving signs like “NAME ONE ARTIST. WE’LL WAIT.” and “SPOTIFY IS FREE”. As all of this is happening, social media has sparked some…interesting…ways to share their opinions. First of all, someone has started a GoFundMe to “buy every member of the committee a pair of headphones” (and maybe spotify premium if the donations allow). Of course, to make it even better, artists have started to pull their music out of the awards show, some including Benson Boone, Nicki Minaj and Harry Styles. But of course, these 2 artists just had to be different by releasing a diss track on the Grammys, our duo back together, Kendrick Lamar and Drake.
Yesterday, the committee finally responded:
We acknowledge the concerns raised by the recent report circulating on social media. Please be advised these reports are partially inaccurate.
To address the “concerns”, we’ve put in new measures.
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Weekly listening sessions.
Mandatory weekly listening exercises for all members, with results documented and reviewed during caffeine breaks.
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Blindfolded assessment
Albums judged without visuals to ensure sound is the priority.
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Voting protocols
Votes only count after a caffeinated beverage or 50 minutes of actual music listened to a year on Spotify or Apple Music.
We thank you for your patience and faith in our sound-related judgement abilities. Questions? Email: [email protected], we check it a few times a year.
Regards,
The Recording Committee
Students Celebrate Birthday of Under Construction Rooftop LRT
Last week, Mackenzie students celebrated the fifteenth birthday of the currently under construction rooftop LRT line. The party was held in the stairwell at the end of the science hallway, the future site of one of the LRT stations. There was cake for all attendees and even a mariachi performance by Wind Symphony.
The Mackenzie Transit Club (MTC) first started construction on the rooftop LRT 15 years ago. The line, when opened, will alleviate traffic in the science wing in between periods and get students to their classes faster. It was originally meant to open five years ago, but due to construction delays and admin disputes, the date continues to be pushed further and further into the future. The LRT is now over fourteen years old.
Even Mackenzie’s number one procrastinator attended the party, saying, “It was a blast celebrating Mackenzie’s symbol of student procrastination! The MTC procrastinates harder on opening this line than I did on my history culminating.” This quote was submitted five seconds before the deadline.
Although the MTC has shared that the LRT will open by the end of the year, many students remain doubtful, especially after last week’s press conference. The president of the MTC announced, “The MTC has finally finished the final thirtieth round of testing of the Mackenzie Rooftop LRT. The line will open soon.”
Many observant and impatient students noticed that the MTC did not give a specific date for the opening of the rooftop LRT, which angered them greatly. However, the festivities of the birthday celebration helped distract the upset students.
Eetern Al-Wayt, a former Mackenzie student who attended the party, graduated from high school when construction on the LRT line started. “Now I completed my undergrad, won a Nobel prize, cured cancer, and even started a family, yet the line is STILL NOT OPEN!!!!!” he cried.
One sophomore at the party commented, “I can’t believe the LRT is as old as I am!”
Some students at the party even set up a secret gambling ring. They made bets on which event will happen first: the opening of the rooftop LRT, their English essays getting graded, or the Toronto Maple Leafs winning the Stanley Cup. Payouts are expected to be made when one of these events occurs.
The MTC will be releasing more updates on the rooftop LRT in the near future. Stay tuned for the Flounder’s report on the eventual grand opening of the line.
New Year’s Resolutions: A Realistic Guide to Continue Worst Habits in 2026
Every New Year’s Eve, people decide that the moment the clock strikes twelve, they will become completely new and improved. “New year, new me! 2026 will be my year,” they declare, with the same enthusiasm from 2025, 2024, and several other years that were in fact, not their year. Dear readers, after reviewing hundreds of failed resolution lists, I present the ultimate list of realistic resolutions to continue your bad habits with actual commitment this time.
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Buy Things You Don’t Need
Retail therapy is literally essential self-care. That overly-expensive shirt you’ve been eyeing for weeks? Go ahead and buy it! If you’re ever going to spend money, you might as well spend it on things that will give you a 10-second surge of happiness—just don’t look at your bank account afterwards. After all, what you don’t know can’t hurt you.
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Scroll Until Sunrise
What could possibly be more important than sleep you ask? TikTok…Instagram… YouTube Shorts… Your brain doesn’t need rest when there’s more content to consume! You’ll tell yourself, “5 more minutes” but when you check the clock, oh look! It’s 4am on a school day. There’s no better time to finish your homework.
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Procrastinate Like You’re Running out of Time (Except you actually are)
Why start assignments early when you can just do it later— in half the time, but double the panic? Nothing beats that adrenaline rush when you start to do your assignment at 11pm (or 4am on a school day), when it’s due at 11:59pm. You can even develop a system where you reward yourself after every 30 minutes of procrastination!
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Binge Like a Champ
Tell yourself you’re only going to watch one episode to see what all the hype is about on TikTok. Fast forward a little later and surprise surprise. That’s exactly how you fall into a 5-season commitment and somehow, it’s now part of your daily routine. Who needs a social life when you’ve got an endless supply of streaming content?
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Exercise…Eventually
You’ll totally lock in and exercise this year. You’ve watched a few YouTube workout tips and tricks, your gym outfit, and you’re raring to get your Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson-level physique! But the gym is so far away, and your couch is right here. Those dumbbells aren’t going anywhere, but the snacks in the fridge are! You can always go tomorrow! Or next week? Maybe next month…Okay, next year.
This year, don’t worry about that “new” version of yourself. Your bad habits have stuck with you through thick and thin, how could you abandon them now? 2026 doesn’t have to be all about improvement, because now, you’ve mastered the art of doing the exact opposite!
Specialized Programs; New Merit-Based Application Process to Only Consider 50% of Exams
TORONTO - It’s safe to say that the TDSB have quickly backtracked on their idea of lottery-based selection for specialized programs. The lottery system has caused a completely unforeseen shift in academic performance among the program’s student body. For our beloved school, it seemed like the students who did deserve to be in the program were only suffering under the embarrassment of being known as “Lotto MaCS”.
Luckily, the TDSB has decided to reintroduce the merit-based process. You know, with the exam and everything. However, with a twist. Exactly half of all exams will be discarded, and not looked over once. It seems like the board would like to create a hybrid between both systems. The TDSB’s education minister has stated in a press conference, “We’re just ensuring they’re both lucky and capable.” Indeed, not everything is obtained through skill alone. Many believe that luck is a valuable asset too.
Several teachers have expressed their appreciation for this new system. Laye Zibam, one of our teachers here at Mac, has said in an interview “This way, we don’t even have to grade half of the exams!” Though, many students have also expressed their opinions. One student says, “If I just happen to be one of the people who aren’t considered, will all of my efforts be for nothing?”
Some would say that the controversy behind this is even greater than that of the lottery system. Certain individuals have even speculated the idea behind the new application process was picked out of a hat. Well, this idea’s still probably better than selecting from a stream of names, with checkmarks for minority groups and AI-generated essays.
We’ll simply have to observe what the outcome of this new system is next year. Will they stick with this system, unlike what they did with the lottery? I wouldn’t bet on it.
How to Achieve Academic Excellence Without Having to Study
By: _______
December 9, 2025
Academic stress is probably one of the greatest challenges for a student anyone to go through. When you have piling chores and responsibilities at home, plus the 25 pages of calculus assigned, there’s no room for fun anymore. Pfft…who cares about calculus anyway, is inevitably what you will utter when you check your clock and it reads 11 pm on a Sunday night. Turns out your math teacher cared…a lot. Now you’re sitting in the office with your disappointed parents while you get the procrastination talk.
Has anyone ever watched Inside the Mind of a Master Procrastinator by Tim Urban? Well over 75 million people have. So what’s my point with all this? The point is, from Tim Urban to your principal, no one seems to understand. Maybe the issue wasn’t ever being a procrastinator; maybe the real problem was how you were procrastinating. So to my fellow leave it ‘till the last sweaty second friends, this is for you…
THE GUIDE
1. Unlock Psychokinesis in the depths of your mind.
As one of our more popular methods, this requires IMMENSE time and effort. You must spend anywhere from 1 - 4 hours a day for 2 months to reach the ability to move a toothpick, let alone a piece of paper. To use this method, wait as your teacher tries to prepare the test on their computer, and levitate pencils and paper airplanes to throw them at the board. Do this until they become so confused and agitated that they leave their computer out in the open, perfect for you to take a peek at whatever is being written to plot the demise of your grade.
2. Have a very brave and absolutely willing friend to hold a bulletin board with answers.
Why involve only yourself in a totally-will-not-go-as-planned-one-million-things-could-go-wrong activity when you could bring your friend down with you? Literally. Like, down to the office. Have someone hold a huge board and wave it around like a crazy maniac, while silently pointing to the answers to something you didn’t study for. It’s the perfect high-risk, no-reward scheme, especially when you realize not only can you not read the tiny font from 20 feet away, but your friend also has to be outside the classroom. Good luck reading through the walls!
3. Our last and most effective tip is just plain cheating. Here’s a simple step-by-step instruction guide to learn how to do it best. Go home, open the material, and memorize it so it’s engraved into your brain. Then, when your assessment comes up, look inside your brain for the answers. It’s as simple as that!
So, whether you really couldn’t study, or you just didn’t want to, use this guide and study it hard, because these methods will only work with 100% of your effort and time.
- From your fellow struggling procrastinators
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Now, you may be wondering, how do you get this unique, incredible Soulmate™? Do they show up at your door singing Cher and carrying a bouquet of roses? No no, it’s even better! You get the exclusive opportunity to grow your soulmate yourself. After you place your order, wait between 25-30 business days, (quicker, for a small fee)a small Egg™ will arrive on your stoop. Place the Egg™ in a tank, which can be chosen from our exclusive 2026 catalogue, (for the meager price of $246.50), and your Soulmate™ will grow slowly but steadily. Of course, you could choose the express version, which (obviously) costs extra, but it’s well worth it- it grows 4x as fast for only 29x the price!
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You may be skeptical - how well does this work? Will you get an actual soulmate, or just a half-developed, deformed lizard person? In truth, even our beta testers are wildly successful. One of our earliest products now runs three social media platforms alongside a happy family who blissfully ignore the way he sometimes licks his eyeballs (slight design flaw; it’s been corrected now, don’t worry). In addition, 32/33 amorologists (the remaining one is a Cupid-certified psychopath) recommend our program - all happily in a relationship with the Soulmate™ they crafted with their own two hands (and a little bit of money). If that doesn’t even convince you, take it from me - Cupid’s #1 Salescherub 450 000 000 000 years running.
Put down your phone, dear reader. Delete Tinder and Bumble and all of those other useless apps. This is the future of dating - where everyone gets who they want and everyone is happy. You’ll never spend another Valentine’s Day eating a whole pizza and watching Friends reruns alone - you’ll finally have someone to do that with! And really, isn’t that - eating and watching TV with someone by your side - the point of life?
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Use of AI increasing academic standards by 100x
TORONTO ON - The use of AI in schools by students has been at an all time high and is increasing at an alarming rate. Administrators confirmed the situation is “under control” before immediately logging off. Reports have been saying that the students who do not use AI are being left with the repercussions of those who do.
Although students who do not use AI are reassured that nothing has changed, AI has caused academic standards to increase significantly. Classes mysteriously have 105% averages, teachers who believe every em dash is representative of the use of AI, and students are having the ability to write a 5000 word essay in 15 minutes. In some cases, students reported blacking out during the process and waking up to a completed bibliography.
A student who does not use AI has to now work 100% harder than those who do just to end up getting a grade that is significantly lower. This is considered character building. They are expected to be able to generate PhD level thesis’ and memorize 2000 slides in simply one night. There used to be fair and sometimes even generous deadlines for assignments, but now due to the use of AI teachers believe that having one day to write a 3000 word essay is generous considering everyone has the same 24 hours in a day. Students who questioned this were reminded that excuses are a mindset.
Although there are many AI detection softwares that teachers use to check the authenticity of a students work, oftentimes it is inaccurate and can let students who used AI get away with it and students who do not end up getting caught. This causes students who put in their blood, sweat, and tears into their work to actually be reprimanded because a sketchy website said so - and was “10% confident”. The website has since been given a staff position at all schools, with full access to the teacher lounge and free coffee.
Teachers insist the situation is manageable. “It’s actually very simple,” said one educator. “If it sounds smart, it’s AI. If it sounds bad, they should’ve tried harder.” They then assigned a reflection on academic integrity due in six hours that must be double-spaced and include at least one haiku.